


my aim is true

by spaghettirobot



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Character Study, Complicated Relationships, F/F, Falling In Love, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23923852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaghettirobot/pseuds/spaghettirobot
Summary: Reani tries really hard to focus down the home stretch, she's so close to graduation she can taste the diploma. All she has to do is keep her head down and keep her eye on the prize. Life has other ideas.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Reanminere "Reani"
Comments: 43
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

Reani’s old enough to be at the bars, in fact, she should have gone to the bars with the rest of the people her age. That would have made a lot more sense than tucking herself in the least dingy corner of a house that is surely moments away from a noise complaint. Her head feels like tiny unicorns are slamming their horns into the inside of her skull.

The clock on her phone taunts her, it’s only 10:30.

“Reaaaaaani!” A disembodied voice calls out from the center of the room. “Rean! Rean! Make! It! Rean!” She doesn’t need her eyes to know that it’s Beau trying to find her. There’s only one person who can get away with that level of endearing and obnoxious.

Beau pushes her way through a group of guys, ignoring their loud protests. “There you are!”

“Here I am,” Reani makes no attempt to move off the wall.

“I have looked everywhere for you,” Beau reaches out to tug at Reani’s arm. “Come on, Jes and Yasha think they can beat me at beer pong. I told them I’m the all time undisputed Kamordah champion of Kamordah but they’re trying me.” Beau tugs again and Reani reluctantly allows herself to be pulled. “You’re my partner.”

Beau smiles that dopey smile and Reani forgets all of the reasons why she hates Beer Pong.

***

Okay, so now she remembers a few them. Number one, it’s disgustingly unsanitary. Number two, warm beer.

Beau swats a ping pong ball straight into the yard and loudly taunts Yasha as Jester jogs out to go retrieve it.

Yummy. Reani can’t wait to drink the warm beer that ball falls into next.

Meanwhile Jester’s yelling as she walks back. “Beau, girls blow and boys swat! How many times do I have to tell you the house rules?”

“When those rules stop being heteronormative and sexist, Jessie, that many times.” Beau rolls her eyes like it’s obvious. Except she’s clearly been doing shots because heteronormative gains a few extra syllables.

“Blah blah blah, we can’t all minor in women’s studies.”

“In more ways than one.” Beau winks. Reani rolls her eyes.

“Throw the damn ball, it’s cold.” Reani pulls her arms tighter around her body and wonders if Umi will come pick her up if she calls.

Beau holds the ball up and squints, swaying a little as she calibrates her aim. She pulls her hand back and puts her hand on Reani’s hips to keep her balance. Out of habit Reani covers Beau’s hand with her own.

The ping pong ball sails effortlessly through the air and lands gracefully in the center cup. Yasha takes the ball out of the beer and squints into the cup. “Ugh, gross. There’s grass in here.”

“Drink up!” Beau taunts. The hand on Reani’s hip creeps lower as Beau leans on Reani’s shoulder.

Yasha takes a drink and grimaces. “You know what, this isn’t even fair. I have to drink all of the beers.”

“Oh whatever, you get a sober partner. Drink!”

Reani rolls her eyes. Oh right, this is how she found herself at the party in the first place. Beau’s famous powers of persuasion and the not-so-gentle accusations that she’d somehow gotten lame in her senior year. Like it’s her fault that the impending doom of full adulthood and responsibilities acts as a permanent sobering mechanism.

One of days she’ll learn to say no to Beau. She hasn’t done it yet but it’s on her list of long term goals.

Beau swats another ball into the yard and Jester’s scream of agony thrusts Reani back into real time.

Beau sinks the next three shots in a row, runs the table, and they win. She then proceeds to crawl across the table and tries to leap off of it to tackle Jester. If not for Yasha’s freakish strength, Reani would be taking at least one of them to the hospital.

Reani settles into one of the white plastic Adirondack chairs underneath the mosquito torch. She can already feel a bite on her ankle that’ll annoy her for the rest of the week.

Jester’s turned the tables on Beau and is now tickling Beau and trying to get her to say uncle. Yasha gives Reani a thousand yard stare, Reani shakes her head in response. The things they deal with on a regular basis as the only adults in the room, honestly, they deserve hazard pay.

Moments after Beau taps out and leaves Jester to her gloating she comes over and flops her entire bodyweight into Reani’s lap. Instinctively Reani wraps her arms around Beau’s midsection.

“Jester’s bullying me.”

“I saw.”

“And yet you did nothing.”

Reani laughs. “You’re gonna have to learn to fight you own battles. I’m graduating in three months remember?”

“As if I could forget you’re abandoning me,” Beau smiles and pinches Reani’s cheek.

“I haven’t even gotten a job yet, who knows, maybe I’ll stay here. Become a townie.”

“Oh, oh, you could be that weird chick who graduates but still comes to the house parties. But brings wine to remind us all you’re better than us.”

“It’s really not nice to talk about Ophelia like that.”

Beau scoffs. “She sucks.” She pushes herself off of Reani’s lap. Reani immediately misses the warmth. “You know what else sucks? Not having a drink. You want something?”

Reani shakes her head. She can already see from the way Beau’s slamming them she’s going to be the sober driver. Beau disappears into the kitchen. A few minutes later she comes back with a red solo cup in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.

“Cristal for the lady,” Beau mocks Reani with a deep bow as she hands over the water. She mutters a panicked ‘fuck’ as she spills some of her drink onto the patio and it serves her right.

Molly and Caduceus come up behind Beau and playfully drag her away to participate in a secret mission that is probably just code for drugs. Reani sighs and takes a sip of water. Yasha gives her another conciliatory glance from across the way.

It’s going to be a long night.

***

“Eat your burrito, Beau, and stop trying to open the door. It’s a moving car. Stop being that drunk asshole.” Reani’s got the child locks engaged and smartly threw Beau into the backseat.

“I told you I can walk home, I am perfectly fine. Perfectly fine,” Beau insists, as she plays with the power windows. “Listen: z, y, x, w, v, u, s…no wait, hold on. Z, y, x, w, v, u, b.” Beau frowns and tries to hang her arm out of the window, backwards alphabet completely forgotten.

Reani makes the right turn onto Beau’s street and pulls into the third house on the left. She puts her car into park and takes her keys from the ignition. Beau is rattling the handle from inside the car and Reani doesn’t care how cute she is if she breaks Reani’s handle she’s getting a stern talking to. And paying for it, obviously.

“Hold on!” Reani shouts through the door. She opens it and Beau nearly comes spilling out onto the concrete.

“Fuck,” Beau mumbles, clutching her half eaten burrito to her chest. “I almost dropped my burrito.”

“That’s definitely the bigger issue here,” Reani mumbles, supporting Beau’s weight as she leads her up to the driveway. They get to the front door and Beau’s not even trying to stand on her own anymore. “Do you have your keys or do I have to wake up your roommates?”

“They are…in a pocket.”

“Could you give me a clue as to which pocket? That would be really helpful.”

“Back pocket.” Beau frowns. “But I don’t know which one.”

Reani sighs. “Why don’t you check?”

“Too tired.” Beau closes her eyes and rests her head in the crook of Reani’s neck. “Hmm, you smell pretty.”

Reani blocks the feeling she gets when Beau says shit like that out of her mind because she knows Beau is wasted beyond comprehension and also is just like that. It doesn’t mean anything.

“I’m going to look, is that okay?”

“For what?”

“Oh my god, your keys. So I can put your drunk ass to bed.”

“Go for it.” Beau chuckles. “Consent granted.”

Reani shakes her head, the sooner this night is over the sooner she can retrieve her sanity. It’s better to rip the bandaid off than spend any more time outside. Reani checks the left pocket, no luck. Thankfully the right pocket holds the precious little key ring that unlocks the front door.

She leads Beau inside as quietly as she can when Beau is essentially a sentient sack of potatoes at this point in the night. Beau’s room is the last door at the end of the hallway. Reani opens the door and turns on the light.

“Nononononono,” Beau mumbles as she covers her eyes with her left arm. “Turn the sun off.”

“Stop being a baby, I don’t have your room memorized.”

“Fine.” Beau pouts.

Reani gets her settled in bed, with pillows propped up behind her back so she has no choice but to sleep on her side or on her stomach. She couldn’t live with herself if she left Beau on her back and she choked to death in her sleep or something horrific like that. She leaves Beau with a full water bottle on her nightstand and an extra strength ibuprofen and a granola bar for the hangover in the morning.

She puts the burrito in the fridge. It’ll probably be more useful in the morning.

Beau’s already passed out by the time Reani’s done taking care of her. She resists the urge to trace the lines of Beau’s face because she’s not going to be that sappy asshole that doesn’t know exactly what this friendship is.

Reani lets the radio play as background noise on her drive home. She tries not to let her mind wander.


	2. Chapter 2

If Reani has one gripe with her 18 year old self it’s the boneheaded idea that being in the Honors College was an essential part of the college experience. The thought of writing an honors thesis seemed so prestigious and mature when she was a naive high school senior. Now that she’s sitting in front of an empty document that refuses to write itself she’s having second thoughts.

She’s handled the extra honors seminars and the meetings and the volunteer hours. Especially the volunteer hours. She loves being out in the community and making a difference in people’s lives. That’s the whole reason she wants to be a social worker in the first place. But having to do research on a topic and having a thesis and writing thirty whole pages just to graduate?

Pure torture.

Reani would do anything to procrastinate right now.

Her phone dings.

Maybe there is a god?

***

Fen looks really good is the thing and Reani’s not supposed to be doing this but she doesn’t want to write her thesis either. She’s not so stupid to think that isn’t exactly what Fen had in mind when she texted Reani to study and there’s probably too many feelings involved to have turned this into a Netflix and chill situation.

And yet, it’s easy. Reani doesn’t have to think too hard about sex with Fen. Everything else with Fen is a fucking nightmare but the sex? That’s never been their problem. In fact, it’s probably the only thing that they that isn’t a major problem.

The problem boils down to this. Fen wants things for them that Reani can’t promise, it’s not that she doesn’t want them it’s just that she doesn’t know if she does for sure. But Fen lives in absolutes and assurances. She needs promises and Reani needs the freedom to not know.

A classic case of an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.

Reani shuts her brain off and focuses on the things that feel good, like, really good. The messy feelings can wait until Reani inevitably wants to leave and Fen tries to convince her to stay.

It’s messier this time around. Fen screams and Reani screams louder. She leaves with a small box of things that she’d left over the last two years. The same box that Fen kept ‘forgetting’ to give her the last couple times they fell into bed together. Reani resolves to have more self control and not answer the next time no matter how much writing a thesis sucks.

***

If you’d told Reani during her freshman year she’d actually not only be waking up for a nine am class but actually look forward to it there’s a fifty percent chance you would have been slapped. Increase that percentage if you told her she wouldn’t even need coffee in the morning to feel like a human being.

She does grab an oversized double chocolate chip muffin from the cart outside of the student union on her walk to class because she’s not a monster. And she truly believes that everyone needs a hotshot of sugar in the morning.

Reani takes her seat right in the middle of the front row in the auditorium. Umi’s already waiting with his tablet out, doodling pictures of medieval weapons with his stylus.

“That one’s pretty,” Reani points to the longsword with a curled crossguard and intricate Damascus steel.

Umi grunts but she sees the tiniest quirk at the right corner of his lips. With him that counts as a win. “You should have come out with us this weekend.” He says instead. “Austin struck out at three different bars. It was hilarious.”

“Tough crowd?”

“He was reading pick up lines from an app on his phone,” Umi looks off like he’s remembering their dear friends trials of love fondly. “One girl felt so bad for him she bought him some fries.”

Reani brightens up. “That’s nice at least.”

“I could never eat pity fries.”

“Well not all of us are big strong tough men like you, Umi.”

“Damn right.”

Their professor comes barreling into the room. He’s a truly comical man but one of Reani’s favorite professors. The bald spot on the top of his head has thinned out to the point that it gives the rest of his floppy grey hair the appearance of a friar haircut. He dresses like a down on his luck lawyer but his class is by far the most interesting and entertaining class she’s taken in all four years of college.

It’s a cross discipline examination of diversity through difference social science and practical disciplines. The first day of class the conservative group on campus tried to protest the course offering but only three people showed up and the protest ended in abject failure.

It’s a Monday/Wednesday/Friday and every Friday he brings in a professor from a difference discipline to offer a unique perspective on the topic of the week. The best part? No papers, no tests, only the easiest quizzes known to man - provided you come to class and take half competent notes.

Classes like these make Reani wish she could stay in college forever. There’s so much to learn and life wants to eject her out into the gauntlet? She wants to sit in too cold auditoriums and listen to eccentric professors and never ever ever leave.

***

She’s walking along the grass down the center of campus, she’s on the sidewalk where’s she’s supposed to be safe from bicyclists and yet she’s dodged three of them already. There’s booths set up all along the grass so she figures the clubs must be recruiting again. Reani’s past the point where it makes sense to join anything but she’s never going to turn down free stuff.

Crossing the zone where bikes are allowed to ride is always hazardous to one’s health but Reani manages to make it across with only one near death experience.

There’s the women’s health booth where she grabs a handful of dental dams and a canister of pepper spray. She walks past a couple of booths that are shamefully giving nothing away and then she sees a glimpse of a familiar six pack. She walks up to the mixed martial arts club booth shaking her head.

“Do I even need to ask why your shirt is off?”

Beau traces a finger down the defined lines of her abs, smirking all the way. “Do you?”

Reani takes a second to appreciate Beau’s abs in a friendly and appropriate way. “No, I guess I don’t.”

There’s a clipboard thrust in her face and Beau’s pointed to the page of filled in names and numbers. Mostly women. Some with hearts doodled next to the numbers. “Need I say more?”

“You are, quite possibly, the worst person I’ve ever known.”

“Tell that to Cali, and Amy, and Beca, and Claudia, and well, do I really need to go on?”

Reani pretends to throw up on the grass. Beau playfully shoves her away, tossing the clipboard back onto the cheap folding table. Silence falls between them comfortably. Beau leans back onto the table. She winks at a group of sorority girls that passes by the table. They wave but don’t stop.

Beau leans in and whispers conspiratorially. “I slept with the one in the middle sophomore year. I had to climb out of a second story window before their house mom could catch me. I’m still not allowed in the Tri Delt house. I think they have my picture on the wall with a big red X drawn over it.”

“I struggle to believe a word you say.”

“Your loss.” Beau nudges Reani’s shoulder. “Hey, I never thanked you for making sure I got home alive on Saturday. Have you eaten yet?”

Reani thinks about her double chocolate muffin but that was hours ago. At least three hours. She could always eat again. “Not lunch.”

Beau turns back to the booth and it’s only then that Reani notices Fjord’s been sitting there the whole time. She waves and he smiles at her.

“Hey Fjord, I’m taking my lunch.” Beau takes off her name tag and sticks it to the sheet of paper beneath the top sheet.

“That’s not a thing,” Fjord rubs his fingers into his temples. No doubt a stress headache from hours of watching Beau ‘recruit’. “Whatever, you better come back and help me break down the booth.”

“Totally,” Beau holds out her arm to loop with Reani’s.

“I’ll make sure she comes back,” Reani lets Beau lead her away. Fjord calls out ‘you better’ loudly and then goes back to playing with his phone.

***

Beau takes her to this pizza joint right off campus that makes slices of pizza bigger than Reani’s head. Reani once ate two in one sitting, she’s very proud of that fact.

“Do I want pepperoni, meat lovers, or bacon?” Beau ponders out loud. She’s put on her shirt but it’s a crop that barely covers more than her sports bra anyway.

“Maybe I should get you a cup on grease on the side?”

“Sounds amazing, think they’ll do that,” Beau mocks her, poking her in the side the entire time. Reani tries to run away from her but runs straight into a busy looking student who looks like he would rather they hurry the hell up so he can get a slice.

“Get bacon,” Reani suggests. All Beau could talk about after a rousing game of flip cup when she was definitely too drunk to be pounding beers was how she wished she could have a magical pocket that gave her endless crispy hot bacon. You don’t forget a conversation that bizarre.

Beau walks up to the cashier and orders a slice of bacon pizza for herself and gets Reani a slice of artichoke pizza. She makes a big show of pulling out her credit card and paying for the meal. If Reani wasn’t used to Beau she’d be trying to pretend like she didn’t know her right about now. They get a table outside.

It’s a beautiful day, not like there’s anything else in Nicodranas. Sure the nights can get cold sometimes with the ocean breeze pushing off the shore but the days? There’s nothing like it. Reani was born here but she moved away so young to Uthodurn which is always dark and cold and dreary that she doesn’t really remember all that much. She didn’t apply to a single college in a place where it snows and when she got accepted to University of Nicodranas it felt like fate was calling her home.

“Sooooo,” Beau swallows her first bite and dabs a splotch of grease from her chin. “What’s new in your world?”

“Procrastination, the longest and messiest break up in history, procrastination,” Reani takes a bite of her pizza to avoid having to elaborate.

“No, please tell me you didn’t fall for the ‘let’s study’ text again. More than five times you might as well get back together.”

“I didn’t fall for anything. I consciously made the dumb decision to pretend I didn’t know it was going to be a mess.” Reani takes a sip of water. “I swear there’s a difference.”

“This is why I don’t do relationships.”

“Just punchcards.” Reani quips. Beau balls up the paper wrap from her straw and chucks it at Reani’s head. It hits her square in the eye.

“Do not slut shame me ma’am, I am an evolved woman of the 21st century. I am simply exercising my freedom to choose from all of the wonderful choices available on this campus.”

“Save the dissertation for your doctorate of bullshit.”

Beau clutches her hands against her chest and fakes a heart attack. “I’m wounded.”

Reani tries to hide the overflow of fondness that rushes to her face. She can’t give Beau any more fuel for her gargantuan ego. Her head can barely fit through doors as it is.

“Seriously though, you’ve got to break the cycle. You two are like a merry-go-round of toxicity. A see saw of suck. A whole playground of bad.” Beau ticks the analogies off on her fingers. “A carnival of chaos. A fairground of fucked.”

Reani holds up a hand. “I’ve got a vivid picture.”

“I certainly hope so.”

Her slice is suddenly even more interesting. Beau gives her the grace to drop the subject but the look on her face indicates that it’s a short term reprieve.

The rest of their lunch conversation is kept purposefully light. Beau tells her a ridiculous story about her and Jester prank calling Caleb and pretending to be the New Library of Alexandria offering him a position as Head Boring in Charge. Reani laughs more than she has in days and lets herself stop thinking about all of the things she wants to avoid. If only for a little while.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s too hot to bake but Reani has three perfectly fantastic bananas reaching peak ripeness and no idea what to do with them. They’re perfect for doing something with but not perfect to put in her mouth and eat, it’s a texture thing. She looks through the pantry which is stocked-ish, she has things but not enough things to claim she has her life together.

She throws on her cleanest leggings and a cute shirt with the mascot on it and drags her ass to the store.

At every stoplight she looks up recipes to make with bananas when you don’t want to make banana bread. By the time she makes it to the grocery store she’s been honked at three times and almost crashed into one sidewalk.

All things considered a pretty standard journey.

While she’s there she might as well actually shop. It’s not okay that the only thing she has in her fridge are six hard boiled eggs of suspect freshness. How’s she supposed to graduate and be respected by the world if she’s still trying to live off of takeout and baked goods?

The internet tells her to buy graham crackers and vanilla pudding and whipped cream and it’ll make a banana cream pie that’s to die for. She also throws some lunch meat and bread into her cart and then decides to treat herself with a tray of lemon poppyseed muffins. She also buys some carrots. For health.

On the way home she stops and gets a quesadilla from Taco Bell because she really doesn’t feel like eating a sandwich with her banana pudding.

She’s adulting, okay? It’s a process.

***

“It makes me feel so much better to know that you don’t have anything to do on a Thursday night either.” Reani yells from the kitchen. Umi’s sitting on her couch, she can hear the high pitched noises as he clicks through options on her Hulu account. She’s making them both turkey and cheese sandwiches to go with the six pack Umi helpfully supplied for the evening. “Do you want mustard or are you disgusting and want mayo?”

“I’m disgusting,” Umi sounds over her mustard elitism but too used to it to care that much.

Reani slathers on an abhorrent amount of mayo and tries not to gag as she closes up the sandwich. When she enters her living room she sees the History Channel logo flash for a second and knows, without a doubt, that he’s picked Forged in Fire for the fourth Thursday in a row.

“Why even pretend there’s another option?” Reani quips as she hands him his sandwich.

“My name is Umagorn Smeltborne, I was literally made for this.” He hands her the tv remote so she can control the volume and takes a huge bite out of his sandwich. He gets a glob of mayo in his mustache. Reani attacks his upper lip with a napkin, he fights her off and takes over usage of the napkin on his own. “Thanks mom.”

“You’re welcome, son.” Reani combats his grumpiness with forced cheerfulness. She crosses her legs and balances her plate on her knees as she leans over and grabs her beer. It’s a seasonal IPA that’s more hoppy than she would usually prefer but Umi paid for it so she’s not exactly going to waste it. Plus, after a few of them the hoppy flavor fades away.

Or maybe her taste buds shut themselves down.

Either way works for her.

“Once every four shows a contestant nearly dies, is that normal?” Reani takes a long pull of her beer and grimaces at the way it tastes like reconstituted dirt. “Does your dad just like constantly overheat at the forge? Does he have paramedics on standby every single day of his life?”

Umi shakes his head. “My dad is a master blacksmith, number one, so he doesn’t make even a quarter of the rookie mistakes these guys make. Also, there’s like four forges going at once in a warehouse, I can’t even imagine how hot it gets in there.”

“That’s wild. Hey, will you take me to your family forge one day?” Reani starts picking at the label on her beer. She’s jealous of Umi sometimes. A lot of the time. He has his path carved in stone, he doesn’t have to think about where he wants to go in life it’s sitting there for him. All he has to do is get his degree and then he goes back to the famous Smeltborne Forge and makes knives and swords until his elbows and shoulders give out one day and then his child takes over.

“Of course.” Umi’s only half paying attention to her between calling out all of the mistakes the contestants are making. Apparently someone’s ‘tang is too long’ and ‘who quenches in water, a moron, that’s who’. 

Reani leans back, her sandwich all but forgotten. It’s like the closer she gets to graduation the less sure she gets about everything. Ask her at 19 or 20 what she wanted to do and she’d give you a laundry list, an overwhelming litany of things. But now? It’s all too real. Social work? Great. What kind of social work? Does she want to work with small children? Adults? Teens? In a school, for the government?

It was so much easier when everything was hypothetical. Hypothetical dreams are easy, you never fail in your hypothetical dreams. Your hypothetical dreams don’t take you away from things that are comfortable or people that you don’t want to live without.

Real life is a lot less forgiving.

Oh to be young, idealistic Reani all over again.

She finishes her first beer halfway through the first episode. It goes right to her head which serves her right for not eating her sandwich. She doesn’t even realize Umi’s left the couch until he comes back with a bowl full of banana pudding.

He plops down on the couch and tries to talk with his mouth full. “Graham cracker crusts are a gift from the heavens.”

“I can see how much you like it.”

He snaps his mouth shut and has the decency to look the tiniest bit embarrassed. She didn’t mean to be testy towards him so she spends the next hour or so crafting a flower crown out of the half-dead daisies she has in a vase next to her couch. During episode three - beer two for those keeping track - she presents him with the crown which he proudly wears.

And makes her take three pictures with filters to post on his instagram.

“Hey, will you make me that sword?” Reani points to the tv and admires a truly beautiful sword that she wasn’t paying enough attention to get its name. But it’s really cute. She could mount it on her wall in a mythical future home.

“How many free swords do you think I’m going to make you?” Umi tries to frown but Reani knows damn well he’s proud she thinks so highly of his skills.

“All the ones I want because you love me?” Reani moves closer to Umi, snuggles up to his side and laughs as he grumbles but puts an arm around her anyway. People always get the wrong idea about their relationship because of how handsy they are with each other. And sure, there was one awkward night during their freshman year where they’d made out and attempted to go further but it didn’t click. He has major big brother vibes and Reani would rather have her human gravity blanket than ever complicate that relationship with something so fleeting as sex.

She leans her head on his shoulder and ends up dozing off somewhere in the middle of episode four. When she wakes up the next morning, the living room is clean, she has a pillow underneath her head and a blanket covering her body. Umi comes out of the kitchen with a grilled cheese on a plate.

“I slept in your bed. Come on, get up. We have class in an hour.” Umi hands her the plate. “I thought you said you went grocery shopping yesterday? All I could make you was this grilled cheese. You need help.”

Reani rolls her eyes. “And here I was thinking how sweet you were.”

“Blasphemy.”

***

She’s actually feeling pretty decent in spite of the fact that she slept on the couch which is why it makes perfect sense that she bumps into Fen at her muffin cart. That’s right, she got the muffin cart in the break up.

“What are you doing here?” Well, there goes all resolve to try and be civil but come on? There is a sacred bond between a woman and her muffin that should not be interceded upon by drama.

“I’m allowed to have a muffin aren’t I?”

“You are absolutely allowed to have a muffin. You can have a muffin at the cart down by the other student union. You can have a muffin at the cart by the Engineering building. You can have a muffin in the ocean for all I care, why do you have to have a muffin at my muffin cart?” Reani can feel the pitch of her voice climbing and the rest of the people in line staring but she’s beyond the point of caring. Earlier in the week Fen pushed a box of her stuff into Reani’s chest and said she never wanted to see her again and now they’re randomly bumping into each other.

They dated for years. Fen knows Reani’s routines, she doubts this is all that random.

“Whatever,” Reani starts to walk away. “I’m not that hungry anyway.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.” Fen calls after her, doing that half jog thing people do when they’re not walking but they’re not jogging. Reani hates it, she wants a bike to run them both over right now it’s what they deserve.

Fen catches up to her because as it turns out Reani’s short and has short legs that refuse to let her escape her ex. Combined with Fen’s stupid long legs that are on display on this sunny Friday afternoon. It’s a nightmare.

“Hey,” Fen puts her hand on Reani’s arm to stop her. Not enough that Reani feels like she’s being restrained but enough that she actually does stop. “I have an extra double chocolate chip muffin.”

Reani sees red. She pulls her arm away. “I knew it, you did this on purpose. Make up your mind, pick one. Do you never want to see me again or are you purposefully creating meet cutes at muffin carts?”

They’re still standing in the middle of the sidewalk and causing a minor scene as they start to create a roadblock for those just trying to go about their business.

“How about we get a table and talk?” Fen doesn’t put her hand on Reani but starts to walk over to the side underneath the trees where there are a couple bistro tables set up. Reani doesn’t want to go but she doesn’t want to become a statue on the sidewalk either. There’s a part of her that’s a little bit curious to know what Fen’s game is. The part of her that likes the attention just a little bit, craves the drama of the on and off again - even as the rational part of her brain reminds her that for so many reasons they need to be permanently shut off.

Reani sits down and crosses her arms like a petulant child. She steels her resolve to listen but she’s not going to look happy about it.

“I’m sorry about the other day. I was a complete asshole for kicking you out.” Fen pushes the extra double chocolate chip muffin across the table like a peace offering. Reani refuses to uncross her arms even as the chocolate chunks call out to her. She misses the simplicity of Umi and his terrible taste in History Channel originals already. Seems like it was days ago instead of mere hours.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“So you forgive me?”

Reani sighs. “Of course I don’t forgive you. You texted me to come over and study. We had sex. And then, I refused to magically become a different person just because we had sex again so you gave me a bunch of my shit and kicked me out.” Reani takes a breath and regrets sitting down in the first place. “And now, you’re orchestrating meetings at the cart you know I come to every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday so you can try and feel better about being a dick.”

Fen deflates. She leans back in the chair, her arms resting on top of her legs. She starts picking at the fraying ends of her cut off shorts. “I don’t get it.”

“Why this is fucked up?”

“No.” Fen shakes her head. “We were doing great, amazing even. Then I ask you to marry me and all of a sudden we’re breaking up and I’m the worst person you’ve ever met in your entire life and now I have to track you down to your routines - fine, I admit it - and you’re mad at me about that too.”

“You’re not.” Reani mumbles. She picks off a chocolate chunk and lets it melt in her mouth for a moment.

“I’m not what?”

“The worst person I’ve ever met in my life.”

Fen rolls her eyes. “Well thank god for that. What am I? Second?” Fen pulls a huge thread off of her pants and chucks it at a nearby tree. Reani frowns at the small act of littering. “Right behind Samliel, your god awful high school boyfriend who told you how to think and act and breathe.”

“Wow, way to bring him up because this conversation wasn’t out of the blue traumatizing enough.” Reani feels her eyes filling up with heavy tears and not for the first time in her life she wishes she wasn’t such an emotional little bitch. What’s life like for people who don’t cry at the first sign of conflict? How does she become one of those people?

“I’m sorry.” Fen reaches across the table and puts a hand on Reani’s wrist. She rubs her thumb in comforting little infinity patterns that she knows calms Reani down. Reani lets her if only because she doesn’t want to cry in the middle of the quad not because she forgives Fen for pulling such a low blow.

“You’re nothing like him and you know that.”

“I know.”

“Then why even say that? Why don’t you just leave me alone if every time I see you it’s going to sour more of the good memories we had?” Reani pulls her wrist away and tucks her arms in her lap.

She still remembers the night she looked up from her Bellini to see Fen down on one knee with a truly beautiful ring thrust out towards Reani. It was the last night of winter break. All Reani could think about was her master’s thesis and how much she still hadn’t done so Fen invited her over and cooked a beautiful dinner filled with all of Reani’s favorites. Reani should have known something was up by the way Fen was dressed and the softer than normal music and the top shelf liquor for their drinks. But she was too distracted and allowed herself to get blindsided with a proposal.

All she did was ask for more time, more time to think about what this actually meant and what it would mean for her future. She could barely handle the idea of graduating and figuring out her life and Fen wanted to nail her down to Nicodranas where she’d already accepted an appointment to the local police.

More time turned into fighting every single day turned into no turned into their break up turned into sitting at this table right now wishing it was appropriate to get up and sprint away.

“This was a mistake.” Fen finally says to break the silence.

“Clearly.” There’s a salt shaker in the middle of the table. Reani picks it up and dumps a small amount of salt in front of her. She starts dividing the small crystals into tiny piles. It’s something to do.

Fen starts and stops the same non-sentence a couple times before she ultimately decides to watch Reani play with her little salt hills. There’s something poetic about their little standstill. It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t belong, and yet here they are. Still hashing out the same old nothing to say.

She never wanted it to be like this. Reani never imagined the end of them until it came crashing down on her out of nowhere. It’s not that she blames Fen for wanting more, she doesn’t. Not really. It’s a beautiful thing to know that somebody loves her enough to want to do it every day for the rest of their life. That’s not something she’s ever forgotten. Not that this makes all of this any less painful but she’ll always know that was true for at least one person, once. Even if it never happens again.

It’s just, timing is the fucking worst. Reani doesn’t know if she even wants to spend the rest of her life with this version of herself let alone do it with someone else. Of course people grow and change and maybe they can grow together into little imperfect versions of themselves filled with love. But Reani knows deep down that as much as she loves Fen, and make no mistake she still does, even now, that Fen doesn’t want the same things that Reani might eventually want. They can force it all they want, they’re not two branches wrapped together. They’re two separate trees in separate orchards entirely.

Looking across the table at Fen’s increasingly defeated expression, Reani collapses a little bit inside. That doesn’t mean she wants to nuke every good memory and the longer they do this to themselves, the longer they tried to tug at the strands of their entangled fates the more likely they’ll rip them entirely. Reani wants the good times to live on as much as she knows this is over. She knows they can have both.

“I don’t want to be those people.” Reani says finally. Fen looks up hopefully. “It was really really good before it wasn’t.” She shakes her head and looks down at her perfect little salt piles. “I don’t want to hate you.”

“I don’t want to hate you either.” Fen pushes her hand to the middle of the table, eyes pleading with Reani to meet her halfway. Reani does her one better and intertwines their fingers.

“We can be over without ruining everything that was good about us, can’t we?” Reani looks down at their hands. “But we have to stop doing this. No more texts, no more accidental run ins. A clean break.” Reani feels her voice crack and she really doesn’t want to break down in the middle of campus but it’s looking like that’s where this is headed. “We need to heal, you know?”

Reani’s voice feels so small but she’s comforted in a weird way with the knowledge that Fen is clearly holding back tears too. Fen shakes her head and pulls their hands up to her lips, she kisses Reani’s hand and whatever, she’s crying in the quad. They both are.

“I love you.” Fen says finally, taking her hand back and standing up from the table. Reani stands up from the table and pulls Fen into a tight hug. Maybe it won’t be their last one ever but she thinks they both know it’s their last one for a really really long time.

“I love you too.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Please tell me you’re doing some absolutely mind numbing today and that there’s room for me to join?”

“I’m going to take that as a backhanded compliment and not insult you because honestly you sound like you’re going through it.” Beau doesn’t sound insulted in the slightest. The background is filled with chatter and Reani assumes she’s hit the nail on the head and Beau does have something planned.

“Me and Fen are over.” Reani blurts out. “Like over over, for real over.”

“For real, for real?”

“For real.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well in that case we’re headed to the beach. I was gonna invite you anyway but you called me before I could text you.”

“That sounds perfect.” Reani’s already thinking about which one of her cute bathing suits says I’m doing just fine but if you see some tears slipping out from behind my sunglasses don’t ask any questions. “What should I bring?”

“Just your adorable self.” Beau pauses. “And three bottles of tequila.”

“I’ll bring one bottle of tequila and some snacks.”

“Sold!” Beau cackles into the microphone at something Molly screamed that Reani only knows happened because she tells him to shut the fuck up. “Pick you up in an hour?”

“I’ll be ready.”

***

It’s too early in the season for the beach to be completely packed like it will be in a month or two. They’re able to find a prime spot down by the water that’s not so close they’ll be protecting their things from the waves all day. It’s perfect. Exactly what Reani had in mind.

Reani took off her shoes as soon as they hit the sand line, she loves the feeling of the sand between her toes. Even if she’ll be tracking it through her place for the rest of the week. She’s debating whether it’s time to remove her cover up and start putting on sunscreen when Molly comes to a tumbling stop in front of her. He’s trailed closely by a cackling Jester.

Molly barrel rolls behind Reani and uses her as a human shield. “Protect me!”

Jester doesn’t seem immediately threatening so Reani’s not sure what sort of chaos she’s been thrust in the middle of, not until she looks directly over Jester’s shoulder to see a soaking wet Fjord absolutely charging in their direction. Reani puts two and two together. She quickly hops up and leaves Molly to his own devices. She scrambles about ten feet away. Just in time to see Fjord thwart Molly’s ill-fated retreat by tackling him into the sand.

Jester runs around the two who are currently wrestling in the sand and comes to stand next to Reani.

“Smart move. Fjord is pissed,” Jester doesn’t seem too worried about Fjord’s current anger, in fact, she can’t keep the smile off of her face.

“I’m assuming you’re not innocent in this?”

“Of course not,” Jester breaks off into giggles. “It was so funny you should have been there.”

“Next time,” Reani can’t help but laugh as Fjord gets the better of Molly, pinning his arms down and demanding an apology. She’s sure it would be a more intimidating scene if not for the huge mischievous smile on Fjord’s face. “You guys sure do know how to make a scene.”

Jester beams. “You’re sweet.” She squeezes Reani on the shoulder before running off to dog pile on Fjord and Molly. Reani shakes her head and starts to set up her towel a few more few away from the chaos, closer to where Yasha and Zuala have made camp. Zuala doesn’t come out with them often, she graduated last year and has been working a grueling internship with the local government. But whenever she does it’s always a treat, especially for Reani.

It’s not that she doesn’t love the shenanigans, she absolutely loves the shenanigans. It’s what caught her attention about this ragtag little group in the first place. But there’s something about sitting with Zuala and getting into that deep adult shit that Reani craves sometimes.

Plus, she’s less likely to get splashed with water or tackled or otherwise pranked if she sticks near Yasha. Yasha who is by far the sweetest and most sensitive woman but that along with her imposing size means the group is less inclined to prank her. A win/win in Reani’s books.

Reani lays out her towel, a cute light blue towel covered in adorable yellow rubber ducks with tiny fangs that she’d bought herself online. She takes off her sunhat momentarily so she can slip her coverup over her head. Underneath she’s pretty proud of her bathing suit, it’s cute and orange and makes her boobs look fantastic. From her bag she pulls out her sunscreen and starts to slather it all over her body. She doesn’t take any chances with the sun. She loves being out in it but would rather not be mistaken for a leather handbag when she’s old.

Out of nowhere the light of the sun disappears, Reani looks up from what she’s doing and sees Beau’s beaming face looking down on her. “Need some help?”

If she didn’t know Beau was just like that she would think that Beau was trying to reenact the most stereotypical setup ever. “What convenient timing.”

Beau holds her hands up like she’s surrendering. “Hey, I just got back from the car.” She gestures towards the cooler sitting at her feet. “Maybe I’m just blessed with amazing timing.”

They do this sometimes. Reani hesitates to put a word on it, even now. It’s innocent, it doesn’t mean anything. Reani’s obviously been in a relationship the entire time she’s known Beau and it’s not like Beau is even capable of anything serious. Her history can’t even loosely be called a dating history, Reani’s pretty sure that requires actual dates.

Fen used to complain about it sometimes when Reani would bring her around the group. She’d make passive aggressive comments until Reani was forced to defend whatever accusations Fen was levying about Beau. There’s only so many ways to defend it and eventually Reani got tired. She stopped bringing Fen around when Beau was. To her credit, Beau never mentioned it but Beau’s smart enough to have noticed. Reani’s sure about that.

It’s not flirting and it’s not not flirting either. It’s easy. And especially after the events on the quad yesterday it’s the exact level of interaction Reani can handle.

Reani shakes her head but hands the bottle of sunscreen to Beau and leans forward. “Don’t miss a spot.”

The thing is, there’s a reason that Beau’s dating history looks more like a sign in sheet. Reani’s been in a committed relationship, not blind or aloof. Beau’s very hot, all smirks and abs and toned muscle in general. Then there’s the undercut, perfect caramel skin, and the sense of humor that Reani knows hides a deeper well of intelligence. Maybe Beau doesn’t show that last part to her conquests but it’s something extra that’s always been there.

Reani jumps when she feels the cool lotion hit her lower back. Beau’s hands are so sure, just like the rest of her. She’s not milking this, true to her word. Still, Reani allows her eyes to slip shut behind her tinted sunglasses. There’s no harm in it, to enjoy guilt free human touch. To enjoy a moment of something that isn’t wrapped up in layers of emotional distress.

Beau works her way up Reani’s back, stopping only to make sure she has an adequate amount of lotion so that Reani’s actually protected. When she gets to the straps, her hands gently work the lotion underneath. Reani thinks she does a pretty good job of not allowing her body to react in any way to that at all. Beau is doing a nice, innocent friendly thing for her in Reani’s time of need. She’s not going to be weird about it. That’s not a thing.

Finally, after what felt like minutes but was maybe a minute at most Beau steps away and loudly announces she’s doing her public service for the day.

Reani exhales.

Beau runs off to start distributing alcohol to everyone like most of them aren’t minors, granted, barely at this point but still.

She lays back on her towel, tilts her sunhat over her face and closes her eyes. Clearly she needs some rest. Reani sets an alarm for the fifteen minute mark so she can turn over and lets the rays of the sun inject her with some much needed relaxation.

***

Somewhere between Reani walking up to the tiki hut to go to the bathroom and her return Molly made himself a tiny super soaker full of vodka, Caduceus whipped out a portable blender and some margarita mix, and Caleb covered his entire face in zinc.

It feels like walking back into a burning apartment carrying a stack of pizzas.

***

Caduceus is a heavy pour, the friendly pink-haired bastard. Reani knew she should have stopped at the first one but it felt so nice to not be thinking about anything except for having absurd amounts of fun. So she asked for another. Anyway, that’s how she ended up sitting in a circle in the heat of the day playing Truth or Dare like she’s at her first middle school party and Tori Green is daring her to kiss Owen Howler in the closet.

It was her first kiss, by the way. Just in case anyone was keeping score.

Point is, she’s drunker than she expected to be by noon and that combined with her emotions being all over the place is turning out to be a revealing experience. After all, sometimes playing Truth or Dare with a bunch of her friends is actually something that can be so personal. Especially if you’re into oversharing.

“Hmmm,” Jester really drags it out as she looks around the circle for her next victim. Reani’s not been keeping track but it really does seem like Jester’s been asking the bulk of the questions. If she was sober enough to be inquisitive she might find that a little suspicious. “Oh this one is going to be good.” She rubs her hands together like she’s Mr. Burns. “Molly.” He grasps at his chest like he’s absolutely shocked but the shit eating grin gives away his excitement. “Truth or dare?”

Jester’s bouncing in place at this point. Reani’s not sure if that means she’s got an absolutely juicy question to ask or a risky dare. It’s a coin flip.

“Truth.” Molly smirks, languidly stretching his legs out into the middle of the circle. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”

  
Jester leans across the circle and gets up right into Molly’s personal space. “Are you secretly in love with me?”

The whole group protests at once.

“Jester, that’s a shot,” Caleb says with a level head, his accent getting thicker the more he drinks. “You know the rules.”

Jester giggles and pours herself a shot. “Maybe I wanted the shot.”

“Uh huh.” Fjord playfully nudges Jester back into her spot. “Well, Molly I suppose it’s your turn.”

“With great power comes great responsibility.” He strokes his chin and scans the group over and over again until his eyes land directly on Beau. There’s always this sense of mischief within Molly, Reani hadn’t known quite how to take him when they’d first met. She wanted to like him but also he was everything wild and free that she didn’t let herself be. He scared her on a level that a person never had before.

She remembers why when she sees the curious look on his face. It’s enigmatic in a way that spells he’s up to no good. Beau seems oblivious, half distracted by her side conversation slash argument with Veth. The conversation is left hanging before the crescendo when Molly calls out Beau’s name.

“Truth or dare, Beauregard.” Beau rolls her eyes at his use of her full name but gets a glint in her eyes.

Here’s the thing about Molly and Beau. As long as Reani’s known the two of them they’ve been locked up in this sibling rivalry on steroids. They’re just as likely to burn a house down together as they are to try to set each other on fire. It’s completely unpredictable, you never know which dynamic they’re going to hit you with on any given day. From the look on both of their faces, Reani gets the sense they’re about to try to set each other on fire again.

Reani buries her face in her margarita and takes one continuous sip. Her eyes peeking over the glass waiting with bated breath.

Beau looks him dead in the eyes. “Truth.”

Everyone ohs and ahs but not Reani, no, she keeps her eyes fixed on Beau and that look.

Beau refuses to squirm, not even when Molly keeps his eyes locked with her in a silence that’s becoming more and more prolonged the longer they remain locked in their battle of wills. Reani can see it in Molly’s eyes, he’s calculating exactly how far he can take this before it’s too far. Reani’s been around long enough to know he doesn’t always get his math right.

“Have you ever accidentally said the name of someone in this group while having sex with someone else?” Is the so hyper specific it has to be something Beau shared with Molly in confidence question that Molly eventually blurts out.

Blurts out isn’t the right word, he says it so deliberately that Reani wonders for a second if she missed an entire fight between the two of them while she was sipping her margaritas.

Beau tucks her tongue into the side of her cheek. She inhales sharply, her fingers opening and closing like she’s not quite sure if it’s worth it to deck him.

This isn’t the easy breezy fun Reani signed up for. She came here to get away from drama and for a while it seemed like it was working. Now, it’s come banging on their door courtesy of Molly and Beau’s weird fucking vibe.

She sees Yasha give Molly a very clear ‘what the fuck’ look and he sits back on his hands. The rest of the group is starting to achieve varying levels of understanding the mood has shifted completely.

“You’re such a fucking asshole,” Beau stares him down. Reani’s still not sure she’s decided against fighting him until Jester reaches across Fjord’s lap and puts a firm hand on Beau’s leg. At once Beau seems to deflate or at the very least stand down. She looks back at Molly. “I’m not answering that. Jester, pass me the bottle.”

“Beau.” Jester trails off, sounding more sober than Reani knows she actually is.

“I’m fine.”

Jester relents and Beau gulps more than a shot straight from the bottle of tequila. She keeps the bottle in her hand and stands. “This game is fucking stupid, I’m taking a walk.”

Beau storms off. Yasha’s what the fuck look turns into a full on glare as Molly sits there refusing to look ashamed of himself.

Reani pulls away from the group and goes back to her towel. Mood officially killed.

***

Wherever Beau stormed off to she clearly doesn’t want to be found but Jester and Fjord go after her anyway to try and talk her down. Reani sees Yasha grab Molly by the arm and pull him far off from the group. Yasha’s not exactly one to yell but from the way it looks, she’s certainly giving Molly a piece of her mind. Veth seems altogether unaffected by the sudden tone shifting, sipping from a flask and talking to Caleb who has buried his nose in a book.

Zuala brings her a bottle of water.

Reani accepts it graciously. It’s not until her first long sip that she realizes how much she needs it. She takes a few more before she fully turns her attention to Zuala.

“Thank you.”

Zuala takes a seat next to her. Her eyes follow Reani’s to Yasha. She looks back at Reani. “She’s furious.”

“I can tell.”

Zuala traces absent patterns in the sand. “I know he’s her best friend but he’s such a shit stirrer sometimes.” Her patterns start to look distinctly like musical notes. “And those two?” Zuala shakers her head, clearly referring to Beau and Molly. “I never understood the term frenemies until I met them.”

Reani lets out a choked breath. She caught herself before she could really laugh. She’s not even sure if it’s funny.

Zuala tears her eyes off Yasha. “You seem as done with this as I am.”

“Oh you don’t know the half of it.”

“Enlighten me.”

Reani spends the next half hour encumbering Zuala with all of her shit because she’s too drunk to hold back but just sober enough to know that she should probably talk about it with somebody who has a level head. She spills the last three months of Fen and her complete gridlock in her search for a career or even a job after she graduates.

It’s cathartic in the way that unburdening yourself can be. Every word is a weight off of her shoulders and to her credit Zuala sits and she listens, interjecting here and there with words of encouragement or advice but ultimately allowing herself to be burdened. Yasha’s lucky, more lucky than Reani has been in love anyway to find someone like Zuala.

By the end she feels like she could float off into the ocean. Zuala wraps an arm around her back and Reani lets herself cry. Just a little bit, not full on belly sobs or anything embarrassing like that.

It’s release. She’s opening the valve just enough to let it creep out at a tolerable speed.

When she feels the last of her tears drying up she wipes her eyes on her discarded cover up. At this point it’s not like she can get any messier.

“I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.” Zuala says finally, when Reani’s put herself together.

“It’s not your fault I blew up my entire life months before graduation.”

“You don’t have to want everything just because it’s right in front of you.”

Reani laughs. “Why are you so wise? You’re like, 100% more wise than me.”

“I watch a lot of documentaries.” Zuala deadpans. She holds the look for five seconds before she cracks and starts laughing with Reani. Zuala bumps her shoulder against Reani’s. “Hey, I can’t solve all of your problems but I might be able to help you with one.”

“You’re a matchmaker on top of everything?” Reani smiles. “Some people just walk in the light.”

Zuala shakes her head. “I wish. No, I think I might be able to point you in a direction after college. If you’re interested.”

“I’m open to any and all forms of direction.”

“Well then I’ll send you the link.” Zuala leans to her right and rummages through her bag until she pulls out her phone. “The local government in Zadash is starting a year long paid internship in the fall. It’s basically what I’m doing now but you’ll have the extra bonus of being able to trail blaze what the position looks like for future interns.”

“That sounds cool but I’m doing social work not politics.” Reani feels herself deflate again. She’s not ashamed to say that she’d gotten her hopes up for a second. 

“That’s the best part, they’re looking for students from non-traditional majors and backgrounds. They don’t want to be another blue chip program full of political scientists. The local government is piloting a more interdisciplinary approach. You’re actually kinda perfect.” Zuala’s thumbs speed over the touch screen of her phone and after a couple seconds Reani hears her own phone ding in her bag. “I can put in a good word for you, I know the guy trying to start the program. I’ll even write you a letter of recommendation if you’re interested.”

It feels too perfect like something is going to fall out of the sky and drop kick her. She feels like she’s sober enough to know this isn’t a dream and who could forget the rollercoaster ride of the day so far?

“You sent me the application?”

“I did.”

What the hell does she have to lose, Reani thinks. It’s not like she’s been successful in pushing herself in a direction. She sneaks a peek at Zuala’s face looking for any hint that she’s playing Reani or that she’s offering this opportunity out of pity but there’s not a trace.

“What the hell,” Reani says out loud. “I’ll apply.”

Zuala looks excited and starts to ramble on and on about how much she loves what she’s doing right now and pumps Reani with so much confidence that she can’t wait to get started on the application.

Eventually Fjord and Jester return with Beau trailing behind them looking drunk and angry but compliant enough to be following. They pack up all of their shit into the cars they drove and decide that only Yasha and Zuala are sober enough to drive. Zuala’s gets the keys to Beau’s car and Yasha takes Molly, Caleb, and Veth in her car.

When Reani gets back to her place she sends the link from her text app to her email. She opens the link and starts to read through all of the application requirements, motivated for the first time instead of feeling that constant drip of dread about her future.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s not immediate but slowly the fog starts to lift around Reani’s mood. For the first time in months it feels like she’s closer to accessing her sunny, forever optimistic disposition. Slowly her sense of sense comes creeping back into the picture. The potential of working on a meaningful internship in Zadash sparks other ideas about directions she could take in her career.

She wants to make a difference in the world. That much is certain. Maybe things will work out with this internship, maybe it won’t. There’s so much paperwork and transcripts and essays she has to write but her heart is in it so it feels like easy work.

There is one cloud still hanging in her sky. Beau seems to be avoiding her. The first week or so Reani chalked it up to being embarrassed about what happened on the beach. It’s understandable, nobody likes to be vulnerable and Beau in particular hates to be vulnerable. That woman guards secrets like its her own form of currency, information is her power.

But then one week turns into two turns into three and Reani starts to wonder if she did something to offend Beau. She’s desperately aware of the clock ticking down around her time in Nicodranas and she doesn’t want to spend the rest of the time she has alienated from one of her favorite people.

At the same time she doesn’t want to be clingy. Sometimes people get busy and it’s not like its completely unheard of for them to go a couple weeks without speaking. But this isn’t any random couple of weeks, the hourglass of time is racing away from Reani. She doesn’t want to waste another moment.

She doesn’t want to interrogate why it’s suddenly so important that Beau pay attention to her, that’s a problem for future Reani. Present Reani is going to deal with the things she can control and go straight to the source. It’s not an ambush if its done out of concern and that’s all this is, friendly concern.

Everything is going to work out just fine.

Just in case it doesn’t work out fine, Reani buys an extra dozen cupcakes to store at her house for potential sad times eating. All of her favorite flavors including the green matcha tea with cream cheese frosting she had to beg for them to make special for her.

The dozen she picks out for Beau run the gamut of Beau’s favorite flavors from coffee cake to the lemon verbena with the cute piped frosting flowers that she claims she doesn’t love but Reani knows better.

Reani also knows better than to text Beau because the text won’t be returned and she risks tipping her off and getting avoided even further. So she makes the executive decision to show up on Beau’s doorstep at night with a box full of cupcakes.

Beau’s awful roommate Leah answers the door instead, face covered in one of those black face masks that Reani’s never needed because she was blessed with the gift of perfect skin. One of the probably many reasons Leah hates her.

“Ugh,” It’s harder to read the look of disgust than usual but it’s there. She turns back to the inside of the house and screams. “Beau! One of your weird little friends is here!” She turns back to Reani. “I’m closing the door, I don’t want bugs.” And shuts the door in Reani’s face.

Not one to lurk, Reani goes to sit on the hood of her car in the driveway. Leah didn’t say which one of Beau’s weird little friends it was so perhaps that increases her chances of actually getting Beau to come out and talk to her. After a few minutes Reani wonders if Beau’s really going to avoid her when she’s right there. Right when she’s decided to cut her losses and go home to eat a truly inhumane number of cupcakes the door opens.

Beau steps out looking truly rough - bags underneath her eyes visible even in the dark, her hair is tied up in her usual topknot but the sides are looking fuzzier and longer than usual. She’s wearing a NASA sweatshirt and a pair of gray joggers, Beau looks like she’s swimming in the sweatshirt.

Ok, so maybe this has nothing to do with Reani at all. She immediately feels self centered for thinking it did in the first place. Nevertheless, she’s here now and she has all of Beau’s favorite cupcakes so that’s something.

“Hey,” Beau wraps her arms around herself and steps closer to Reani. She nods her head back at the house. “Sorry about her, she’s a terrible person.” Beau cracks a hint of a smile but it doesn’t even come close to reaching her eyes.

“We already knew that.” Reani drums her hands on the box of cupcakes. Beau looks down at her hands and takes another step closer.

“Are those Jade Dragon cupcakes?”  
  
Reani opens the lid like she’s displaying a bunch of stolen goods on display in her trunk. “I’ve got coffee cake with vanilla frosting.” Beau takes another step closer until she’s firmly in Reani’s personal space looking down into the box. “Snickerdoodle.”

“Are those?” Beau trails off.

“The little frilly lemon ones that you always sneak from my house but refuse to admit are your favorite?”

Beau reaches into the container. She grabs one and peels the paper off of the bottom. “I wouldn’t have put it like that.”

“Hmm, and how would you have put it?”

Beau rips the bottom off and sandwiches the frosting between the two halves of cake. She shoves half of it into her mouth. The moan of appreciation shouldn’t make Reani feel so warm inside but considering the state of Beau it might be the only happiness she’s had. Reani savors it.

“In my mouth,” Beau says finally, wiping the crumbs and frosting from her lips with the inside of her arm.

Reani gets an idea.

“Hey,” She kicks her foot out, she taps Beau on the shin. “Wanna go somewhere?”

Beau looks back at her house and then back at Reani. “Will you judge me for how many cupcakes I eat?”

Reani scoffs. She jumps off the hood of her car and moves towards the drivers side. “Who do you think I am?”

Beau shrugs and follows her to the passenger seat.

***

Reani drives and Beau fiddles with the radio. On any other night Reani might slap her hand away or beg her to pick a station but this is not any other night. Beau looks like she needs to do something with her hands lest she eat eight cupcakes on the way or implode from the sheer weight of the world that seems to be sitting on her shoulders.

Reani drives and she drives until they’re out of the city. The further they get from the lights, the more she can see the stars. She drives until she hits a lookout point off the highway, she veers into it and puts the car in park.

“Are you gonna kill me?” Beau asks when the car pulls to a full stop. “This feels like where you’d take someone to kill them.”

Reani rolls her eyes. “Shush.” She takes the box of cupcakes off of Beau’s lap and gets out of the car. The sky is particularly beautiful tonight, not like it isn’t every night but when they’re in the city the lights tend to drown out the full breadth of the night sky. She puts the box on the hood of her car and grabs the blankets she keeps in the back seat of her car. Reani opens her trunk and lays them out in the back. “Come sit with me.”

Beau makes sure she gets the cupcakes but she follows dutifully.

Silence isn’t always comfortable with everyone but she’s always found silences with Beau to be lived in. They don’t always have to say a lot to each other. With most other people Reani feels the weight of expectation to speak already, to do something, to progress the conversation or move on with it. Certainly that’s how Fen always made her feel, like there was an order and a purpose to things. Even silence.

Not Beau. For everything that Reani knows goes on in Beau’s head she’s also capable of incredible stillness. She lets the world revolve and picks her moments to shine. There’s an ease to it that’s readily apparent even now on this impromptu sojourn.

Reani follows the path of the stars, she looks at them so long she starts to see the patterns. She doesn’t know much about the constellations, truth be told, she’s always been fascinated but never enough to do the necessary research. She makes her own patterns instead. She connects a grouping of stars that look like a bunch of horns and another that looks like a stick figure kicking a rock. She laughs to herself when she looks at a particular group of stars that looks like boobs.

Beau looks at her then. “What?”

Reani shakes her head but bites the inside of her lip, trying not to smile. “Nothing.”

“Come on?” Beau whines.

Reani can’t hold it in anymore. She laughs and uses her finger to trace the stars out for Beau to be in on the joke. “See the boobs?” Beau looks at Reani like she’s grown a couple extra heads. Without thinking Reani takes Beau’s hand and retraces the lines with their hands locked together. Beau’s hands are soft, a little sticky from the sugar but so soft. “Do you see them now?”

Beau swallows hard and nods. She takes her hand back and busies herself with more sugar. Reani sighs and starts to maneuver herself so her feet are pointing into the car and her head is nearly hanging off of the back. She lays herself down. Reani finds it hard to focus on the stars when Beau is right there so she studies Beau instead.

Beau’s so absorbed with what she’s doing she doesn’t notice Reani tracing the clear exhaustion on her face, the little stain right underneath the strings of her sweatshirt or the face that upon closer inspection her hair has gotten even longer than Reani first realized. Reani wants to reach out and run her fingers over the fuzziness, curious as to what it would feel like since Beau always keeps the sides of her head smooth and well kept.

Reani wants so badly to ask Beau what’s going on, she finds herself wanting to know everything. It’s such an intense feeling that she doesn’t want to confront. It’s not a real thing. Beau’s her friend, Reani has intense feelings about her friends. Umi would be the first to tell anybody that, granted, she’s never wanted to braid Umi’s beard and trace the lines of his face but Umi isn’t as pretty as Beau. That’s all.

Plus, it’s impossible that Reani feels anything for Beau. Beau who is possibly one of the most unavailable people in the world and who would never be interested in Reani.

Reani stops that train of thought at the station. It’s a non-starter, it’s not a thing. She’s still not over Fen, that explosion is still in the rubble clearing phase. Reani’s got to stop doing the thing where she mistakes caring about someone for something more. It’s gotten her into more trouble in her life than it has ever given her gratification.

Still, she can’t help herself from prodding Beau in the side. “Lay with me.”

Beau looks at her and something Reani can’t decode flashes across her face and then as quickly as it’s there it’s gone. With grace that Reani could never hope to match, Beau shifts her body and lays with her head next to Reani. She looks out the back of the car and up at the stars. Beau nudges Reani’s shoulder and points out a grouping of stars. Reani tries to follow her fingers and track what Beau’s pointing out to her but she finds herself transfixed by the movement of Beau’s fingers instead. It catches her off guard when Beau starts talking.

“My father bought me a telescope when I was a kid, he thought it would bring us closer together like that was something he was ever actually interested in. He was always interested in astrology and reading the stars or whatever.” Beau keeps tracing the same grouping of stars until Reani starts to see a pattern. “That’s Cassiopeia. Do you know the story?”

“Tell me.”

Beau stops tracing. She turns her head so she’s looking at Reani. “She was a Greek queen who always claimed she was hotter than the nymphs. The nymphs were pissed so they sent Poseidon after her to punish her for being so vain.” Reani turns to meet Beau’s eyes. “Anyway Poseidon sent this sea monster to destroy her kingdom and her husband asked one of the oracles for help.” Beau’s eyes look faraway. “The oracle told him they had to chain their daughter, Andromeda, to a rock and leave her for dead.”

Reani turns on her side so she’s meeting Beau halfway. “So they killed their own daughter?”

Beau laughs humorlessly. “They sure as hell tried. But Perseus came along and saved Andromeda from the monster. Poseidon put Cassiopeia and her husband in the sky as a punishment.” Beau presses her eyes closed and when she opens them they’re watery. “They would have sacrificed their own daughter for their protection.”

Reani doesn’t know what to say but she has a distinct feeling this is bigger than a queen and a constellation. Beau nestles down into the pillowing of her own arms and refuses to let the tears fall, refuses to even acknowledge them as she falls silent. Reani finds her own hand hovering halfway between reaching out and leaving it alone. But Reani’s always been incapable of leaving it alone.

“Beau, you’re not okay.” Reani drops her hand in the middle of the two of them. “You can talk to me, you know. I missed you these past couple weeks, I was worried. That’s why I brought cupcakes.”

Beau scoffs. “I’m surprised you noticed.”

Reani recoils. “I notice a lot about you.”

Beau turns onto her back, breaking eye contact with Reani. “You might be the only one.”

Reani stays on her side with her head once again facing Beau’s. “Talk to me then, there’s nobody else here but I’m here. I want to listen.”

Beau looks skeptical but seems to realize that Reani isn’t somehow trying to draw her out to trap her. She brought her cupcakes, she took her out to look at the stars. Beau rests her hands on her stomach, picking at the front pocket on her sweatshirt. “I got a letter from my parents.”

Well that explains the rough state of Beau even without having to know what the letter contains. It’s well known that Beau doesn’t have a relationship with her family, she hasn’t since they kicked her out during her senior year for fucking with the family business. So for her to get a letter after all these years? No wonder. Fuck propriety or whatever else is going on, Reani reaches across the space between them to take Beau’s hand. Beau squeezes Reani’s hand.

“I have a little brother — TJ is his name, I guess.” Beau explains like she’s reading the morning news or a research paper. Like she’s worked hard to purposefully lock away any type of emotion about this particular revelation. “He’s two. They must have remembered they have a daughter and thought I might want to know.”

“I’m sorry, Beau. I didn’t know.”

“How could you? I shut everyone out.” Beau shifts her hand in Reani’s. “I think everyone thought I was still mad at Molly so they left me alone. You’re the only one who I’ve actually told so congratulations for giving a fuck.”

Reani feels her heart hurt for Beau, the real Beau not the vapid exterior she projects but the broken, lost Beau laying in the back of her trunk. “I’m not the only one who gives a fuck, you know that’s not true.”

“Maybe.” Beau seems be in the active process of starting to wrap herself in a protective shell again.

“I’m glad you told me,” Reani says finally. “You can always tell me things, I’m a pretty good listener.”

Beau turns towards her again, their hands trapped between them keeping them uncomfortably close. “Don’t you ever get tired of having to tell people things? Shouldn’t best friends know when something is wrong? You knew, why not Jester or Fjord? It’s so exhausting having to beg to be seen.” Beau sighs. “I think I stopped at a certain point and accepted I’d have to carry some things by myself. Not like I’m not used to it.”

Reani wonders how many people have bothered to see this side of Beau, how many people Beau has bothered to let see this side of her. She thinks about the countless women Beau’s taken through her bed, the one she’s slept with once and let go. She wonders if any had ever gotten close to this or if they’d all seen Beau the way that Beau wants everyone sees her, hot and brash and a little shallow and what you see is what you get. All it takes is a single swipe beneath the surface to see that she’s so much more than what meets the eye.

She doesn’t apologize again because that’s not what Beau’s looking for. Beau’s searching for comfort and understanding and maybe a little companionship. Reani can offer all of those things without the shallow apology that accompanies them. On a whim she refuses to examine she pulls their joined hands up and kisses the top of Beau’s hand.

Beau leans their foreheads together and for a manic second Reani thinks Beau’s going to kiss her and what a thought that is. Instead she whispers thank you and keeps her eyes closed. Reani can’t find that kind of comfort after thinking Beau was going to kiss her. Where Beau’s found calm, Reani’s found uncertainty because in that moment she thought Beau was going to kiss her she was going to let her.

The only logical choice is to get back into the drivers seat, drive Beau back to her house, and go home. Reani’s never been good at doing what she should.

She closes her eyes and lets herself have this moment. It doesn’t have to mean anything, it doesn’t. It’s two friends finding a moment of solace in each other, that’s all.

It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.


	6. Chapter 6

Patience is a virtue that Reani does not possess. Once a thought enters her mind it consumes her being, raging inside of her like a wildfire in need of a controlled burn. All she sees is stars, all she can think about are soft hands and broken smiles and decisions almost made in the backs of cars.

She tries to disentangle this rapidly growing feeling of want because it’s neither convenient nor appropriate. It’s neither timely nor ideal. And yet, she sits in her senior seminar and she thinks about kissing Beau’s hand. Umi pokes her in the side during their shared class because she’s zoned out again. If only he knew she was imagining the feeling of Beau’s lips on hers.

It’s too much.

It’s not enough.

She’s burning up.

***

“Hey, quick question - what the fuck is wrong with you?” Umi asks her over a Wednesday night Forged in Fire marathon. And really, she’s got to stop giving that man free range over her remote.

“There have to be other shows,” Reani deflects. “I know there are other shows.”

“First of all, I asked you to choose and you flipped through the guide for fifteen minutes. Secondly, you’re dodging the question.” Reani can’t argue the first point and she’s struggling to find a suitable answer to the second point that doesn’t blow up her whole life.

It’s not like Umi would understand or find it particularly interesting to know that Reani is having terribly inconvenient feelings at a terribly inconvenient time. Or maybe she’s selling him short and he’d know the perfect thing to say to rid Reani of her predicament. Does she really want to flip the coin on the 50/50 chance that he’ll understand?

Then again, who else is she going to run to? One day she looked up and most of her friends were Beau’s friends too. She doubts any one of them would take kindly to her revelations, not to mention she’s desperately aware of the complicated romantic history between Beau and Jester. Reani was on the fringes during that particular train wreck but from what Yasha told her it’s at least half the reason why Beau decided to never have feelings ever again.

Which brings her to her next issue, there’s no way Beau feels the same way. Why would she? She’s shown no proclivity towards monogamy and Reani doubts that’s going to change because they watched the stars together and held hands and maybe almost kissed.

Umi’s fingers snapping in front of her eyes brings her back to the present. “This is what I’m talking about.” He leans back into his own space but pins her with his best big brother look. “You’ve been a total space case. Is it Fen? Did she do something? I can’t beat her up obviously but I will give her a few stern words.” He pauses and frowns. “And look really mean while doing it.”

Tears creep into her eyes, god what’s wrong with her. She leans over and gives Umi a big hug. “I love you.” Umi grumbles but hugs her back. Reani lets go and wipes the corners of her eyes.

“So it is Fen?” Umi looks confused but willing to go with it. Reani shakes her head no. “It’s not Fen.” Reani nods. “Is there a rattle in your head?” Reani laughs and finishes drying her eyes.

“No.” Reani can feel her resolve shattering at the genuinely concerned look in his eyes. She might as well bite the bullet, if nothing else she might be able to function better if she shares the burden. She takes a deep breath. “I think I caught feelings for someone… unexpected.” Reani looks down at her lap. “Obviously I’m not gonna do anything about it but it’s kinda all I’ve been able to think about the last couple days. Which clearly I haven’t been hiding that well if you’ve noticed.”

“Hey!” Umi crosses his arms and looks suitably grumpy at the perceived slight.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Reani reaches across and pushes Umi’s shoulder. He doesn’t move an inch, as stocky as he is but the affection works all the same. “It caught me off guard is all.”

“How many more friendship points do I need to unlock the whole story?”

“You have all the friendship points.” Reani smiles. “I don’t want it to get weird. It’s gonna pass, I know it. I don’t want to put too much into the universe, you know? That shit matters.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. The universe is cosmic and receptive to feedback and all that.”

“You do listen!” Reani ribs him, knowing damn well he hangs on her every word even if he’ll only admit to it when he feels like she’s upset.

They sit with the droning of the show in the background for a moment or two before Umi pushes forward and drags Reani into a tight bear hug. The kind where Reani panics for a moment because Umi’s arms are so strong he could legitimately crush her but then her brain kicks in and thanks whatever higher powers there are that this gentle giant is her best friend and loves her forever and will always give her the best bear hugs in the whole world right when she needs them the most. Plus he understands that while the ideal hug is 31 minutes long the perfect hug knows no limits.

Eventually he does let her go but only to hold her at arms length and give her a stern look. “You would tell me if I need to hurt someone, right?” He shakes his head at his own question and pins her with a different, more concerned look. “You better tell me if I need to hurt someone.”

Reani disentangles her right arm from his grasp and holds up her pinky finger. “Pinky promise.”

Without hesitation he dwarfs her pinky with his much larger one and squeezes them together. “I’m holding you to it.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

***

Reani starts to wonder if she’s going to end up having to tell Umi to kick her ass when all is said and done. Everything in the logic playbook tells her to run the opposite way from Beau, to keep a safe distance and ride this one out to graduation. She has a few weeks left, it shouldn’t be that hard. She gets through graduation, takes a series of graduation treat yourself trips and voila, with any luck she gets the internship and she’s on her way to Zadash before Beau can say ‘sorry, I don’t see you like that’.

Instead, she starts to do all of the typical things she knows that she does when she’s into someone. When Umi texts her it’s no big deal, she’ll respond when she responds. She doesn’t draft and re-draft and re-draft her texts to him. She doesn’t carefully consider the angles of the pictures that she sends him or whether it’s too thirsty to send a picture at all. She never used to do that when Beau would text her but she can physically feel her brain starting the full court press.

Suddenly she’s making sure she responds to every one of Beau’s texts in a timely fashion. Suddenly she sees the need to take pictures of herself doing things that didn’t need pictures days ago. Now she desperately feels the need to show Beau exactly what she looks like when she’s barely sweating it out at the gym, walking to class, or buying her morning muffin.

Reani knows this mode, she knows this is what she looks like when she’s sweating someone hard. She knows this is the exact opposite of not putting things into the universe so it won’t eventuate. She’s chucking shit directly at the universe and hoping it doesn’t explode in her face.

So much for playing it cool.

That’s how she finds herself idling in her car waiting for Beau’s MMA club to get out and embroiled in a glare fest with campus security. Reani is well aware that she’s technically parked in a no parking zone and that technically being in the car with the car running doesn’t change that. But she figures her sheer power of will might override the rental cops willingness to get out of their own car and ask her to move.

So far her power move is paying off.

Here’s the thing, Reani genuinely doesn’t know how they got here. She doesn’t know how she went from friendly concern to hey let me pick you up while you’re all glistening with sweat and dripping with pheromones. From hey here are your favorite cupcakes to don’t worry about it you can shower at my place before we go out.

Sometimes Reani is an absolute moron. She’s got a lot of other great qualities but making smart choices isn’t always one of them.

Speaking of the devil, Beau emerges from the campus gym and it’s as bad as Reani thought it would be. Under the soft glow of the street lights, Reani feels herself fall quickly into the deep end. Nobody should look that good after two hours of punching bags and kicking ass or whatever happens in MMA club. Beau’s also forgotten to put her shirt back on, if she even had one in the first place it’s always a coin flip where Beau’s concerned.

Reani tries not to objectify but this is testing the limits of her strength. Who needs an ice luge when Reani would die content doing shots off of Beau’s six pack.

Wow.

Maybe Reani needs a cold shower before Beau takes hers. That leads her brain down a whole other path of impure thoughts that are only broken when Beau swings open the passenger door and plops into the seat. She tosses her gym bag haphazardly over her shoulder into the back seat before buckling up.

“I cannot thank you enough. You are literally a lifesaver.” Beau claps Reani on the shoulder and it takes every ounce of strength Reani possesses to look at Beau normally and not at anything below the neck.

“No problem,” She gulps out when all other words escapes her. Reani puts the car in drive and pulls away, sparing one final winning glare at campus security to establish her dominance and distract herself from her passenger.

See the thing is this the first time Reani’s been graced with Beau’s physical presence since their star gazing excursion and it turns out she’s not prepared. She was a fool to ever think she would be. Reani can feel herself being weird as they chat on the way back to Reani’s place. If Beau thinks she’s being weird she doesn’t show it but Reani feels the creep of social anxiety hitting her like a semi truck to the skull.

Sometimes she answers too eagerly and sometimes she leaves the pauses a little too long. She changes the radio station three times until she finds a station that isn’t insistent upon playing bedroom jams. She hates house music, she truly does but it’s preferable to the Red Light Special.

It feels like an eternity but in fact is only ten minutes to get to her place and once they do Beau grabs her keys and sprints to the front door. By the time Reani collects herself and enters, she hears the shower going. She grabs her water bottle from the fridge and chugs. She gives herself a pep talk, she’s going to keep it together if it’s the last thing she does.

It’s not like they’re going on a date, Beau wanted to do lunch but Reani was busy and at the time switching it to dinner after Beau’s workout didn’t seem like a big deal. It doesn’t mean anything more that lunch is now dinner because of a scheduling conflict. Reani brings her water to the couch and proceeds to get her shit together.

By the time Beau comes out, fully dressed in what counts as fully dressed for Beau - a tank top frayed at the bottom and a pair of baby blue Bermuda shorts - Reani feels like she’s got a handle on herself. Beau’s hair is still down as she continues to use a small towel to dry it off.

“Hey, do you know how to do one of those braids where it’s on the top of my head like a Viking?” Beau asks out of nowhere. She’s got her eyes closed still toweling off as she nimbly avoids all obstacles on her way to the couch. “I can’t do it, I tried just now but it was a spectacular failure and you braid your hair a lot so.” Beau trails off as she opens her eyes. She’s right up in Reani’s space only she’s still standing and Reani’s sitting down.

“I’m sure I could figure it out, it’s way easier to braid someone else than it is to do my own.”

“Cool.” Beau spins around and sits in front of Reani’s knees. Oh.

Oh.

Beau meant right now.

Out of her left pocket Beau produces a comb with a couple of hair ties wrapped around the handle. She reaches back and hands it to Reani. “You’re the best.”

Reani feels herself freeze with the comb in hand. She’s not strong enough for this, she’s sure of it. Already she can smell the coconut from her own shampoo but in Beau’s hair. It’s a sensory feeling she can’t put words too. There’s something primal about smelling herself on Beau, she nearly gives up and admits all of the reasons why it’s not a good idea for her to play with Beau’s hair.

A few weeks, she reminds herself. Just a few weeks.

“Tilt your head back for me,” She says instead because that’s normal. She can do this. She is a well adjusted adult woman who can contain herself for the amount of time it takes to braid her platonic friends hair.

Reani takes the comb and gently starts to work to detangle the knots that Beau’s carelessly rubbed into her hair with her careless towel ruffling. She takes the time to be gentle because she doesn’t want to hurt Beau. Reani has always been tender headed, when she used to get her hair done at the beauty shop in Uthodurn she’d endure hours of feeling like her hair was being pulled from her scalp. That’s the whole reason she decided to learn how to do her own hair, she wasn’t going to scalp herself bald.

There’s a particularly stubborn angel knot right at Beau’s scalp. True to her own word she doesn’t want to rip Beau’s hair out so she puts the comb down and takes to trying to work the knot loose with her own fingers. Beau moans and Reani freezes.

“Feels good,” Beau mumbles. Reani can see from her position that Beau’s eyes have fluttered closed.

Oh.

Oh no.

Reani would be a liar if she didn’t admit to taking her time after that.

Beau continues to demonstrate her appreciation as Reani carefully manipulates her fingers through Beau’s hair. She doesn’t pick the comb back up. She carefully uses her fingers to divide Beau’s hair into the sections. Her fingers run over the sides of Beau’s head to satisfy her simmering curiosity.

Curiosity may have killed the cat but Reani’s barely hanging on a thread.

She’s done this so much faster for other people but her latent need to be careful with Beau overrides any necessity for speed. Plus, Beau’s not complaining. In fact, the opposite has never been more apparent.

They’ve been close before, they’ve been close throughout their entire friendship. Beau’s sat in Reani’s lap and vice versa, they’ve hugged, and play fought and it’s never made Reani feel anything and yet somehow braiding Beau’s hair is the closest she’s ever felt to self immolation.

She’s losing her mind.

Finally, Reani puts in the final touches on the small bun at the end of the braid and declares herself finished. Beau pops up and rushes back into the bathroom, Reani finds herself standing before she realizes what she’s doing. She comes charging out almost as quickly with a smile that seems to reach both ears. It’s a stark contrast from the sullen, broken down Beau she’d encountered only a few days ago. Reani feels warmth spread from her stomach up through her chest at the fact she might have anything to do with that.

Beau reaches out her arms and Reani falls into them without thinking. Before she knows what’s hit her she finds herself enveloped by Beau’s everything. Her arms squeeze tightly once before releasing Reani from her grasp but in that moment Reani knows she’s well and truly fucked. It’s already in the universe and that was before a simple hug made her heart skip a beat.

Beau can’t stop thanking her all the way through dinner but Reani feels like she’s going through the motions. On the outside she knows she’s doing a good job at puppeteering her own life but on the inside she feels a delicate house of cards has been knocked from its mooring. She’s been fighting the wrong battle this entire time and now she’s been ambushed. It turns out the question isn’t if she has feelings, she’s been working on a false premise.

No, the question is how bad is it? How hard has she allowed herself to fall at the most inopportune of times for the most inopportune of people?

Because Reani’s not stupid, she’s not Beau smart but she holds her own. She knows enough to know that there’s no happy ending in this situation. Even in the best case scenario she’s another conquest, another notch in Beau’s belt. That’s the best that comes from succumbing to this feeling of need, that’s the reward for submitting to desire and going for it.

Even in the unlikely scenario that Beau feels the same way, time is undefeated and they don’t have much of it regardless. Reani feels like she’s trapped between a rock and an impossible place. She can’t stop looking at Beau, she can’t stop wanting. Part of her wants to fuck the rules, fuck time, and fuck Beau. She knows she can’t let that part win.

Beau is her friend and she knows that Beau has so much going on inside her head she doesn’t need to lose one of her safe places. Reani’s not dumb enough to think that’s not exactly what she became for Beau when she brought her cupcakes and allowed Beau to open up to her. What’s she going to do? Pull the rug from under her feet and say surprise? Let’s make out and tell each other things and braid each others hair.

No. Reani can admit what this is and she can live with that but she’s not going to drag Beau down with her. She’s a big girl and she can handle herself. Time will take care of the rest.


	7. Chapter 7

There are so many exciting things about graduating college. Buying her cap and gown, picking out and buying her class ring and spending way too much money on something she won’t wear but the options are so cute. Buying and sending out graduation announcements because you cannot understate the graduate gift market, it’s always booming. Actually, come to think of it most of the things Reani actually likes about graduation involve her buying something or potentially receiving a gift in return. You know, all of the sexy parts they highlight in every college movie.

What they don’t highlight is the checklists and and the honors thesis, which she turned in right at the deadline, and the countless meetings with your advisor. Reani’s kept good track of most of what she’s needed to do throughout her whole four years so it’s not like she’s scrambling. She’s one of the few who actually meets with her advisor once per semester if not more to make sure she’s on track. Her advisor is Ava Endlewood, esteemed published academic and all around badass. Her first year she had this scummy male professor whose name she’s purposefully purged from her mind considering her left the university in disgrace during the middle of her second semester anyway.

Instead Ava as she insists Reani call her has an office full of beautiful, vibrantly colored plants and art from all over the world mixed with plaques noting her many and varied achievements. When Reani steps into this office she feels the aura of greatness all around her. Ava is the kind of person she wants to be when she grows up. Probably not a professor but esteemed and with her shit together? There are worse things to aspire to be.

Plus, it’s not as much of a chore when she goes to get her GPA signed off when she gets to take an extra five minutes to water some of the plants while Ava goes off to make copies. It reminds her of her own house, where the plant to people ratio is often 8 to 1. Sure that means that her place is sometimes filled with little gnats but they’re not bothering anybody and it’s worth it for the beautiful sights and smells. Her phone vibrates her pocket. She finishes her watering and puts the empty cup back on Ava’s cluttered desk.

She pulls her phone out of her pocket before she settles down in the worn in leather arm chair in the corner of the room. In these pants you can either sit or have usable pockets, there’s no in between. She can’t help the smile on her face when she reads the notification. It’s Zuala. They’ve been texting back and forth throughout Reani’s application process. Zuala’s been giving her insider information to help her through the application and the first phone interview, now she’s been giving her hints and tips as she prepares for the video interview.

Instead of being intimidated by the endless number of steps, it feels like Reani has a partner in this process. She’s been energized by Zuala’s obvious passion for the position and the help that she’s received along the way. Reani went from knowing nothing about the existence of the position in Zadash to wanting it more than anything.

It’s a little scary as well. As much as Zuala can help, she can’t guarantee Reani a spot. She knows people and she’s been able to grease the wheels but at the end of the day Reani has to keep wowing them all the way to the conclusion of the process.

There is one other thing that’s started weighing on her mind. It shouldn’t even be there but it hit her the other night and now it’s this unspoken thing in the back of her head. As much as she wants this position, it would mean leaving. Something she’s known she wanted, something that ripped apart her relationship with Fen.

And yet, there’s one traitorous part of her brain that wants more than a few months to figure out if there’s a thing with Beau. It’s stupid Reani tells herself, she’s potentially moving to Zadash and there will be other people. Beau is special but she’s not singular, she’s not the only person in the world. Reani’s had enough missed opportunities in her life to know that it’s something she can absolutely live with and live through.

Still, that little voice won’t stop trying to increase its own volume.

Reani shakes that voice away from the foreground and goes back to the text from Zuala. It’s a cheat sheet on ways to impress the interviewer, a guy who Zuala admits is an asshole but a fair asshole who is easy to impress if you know his tics. She can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that she has this kind of help. So much of her life she’s had to scrap and claw her way into positive situations and she’s had to do it alone. From the moment her mother gave her up for adoption and Landon moved them to Uthodurn, it’s been her against the world.

If there’s one thing that she’s been able to take away from her college experience it’s the family she’s scrapped together. She doesn’t feel so alone in the world anymore.

“Good news,” Ava comes sweeping back into her office carrying a packet of paper stapled together that she hands to Reani on her way to her chair behind her desk. Ava settles and leans back in the chair, smiling at Reani like she knows something Reani doesn’t. Which, Reani supposes, she probably does. “You’re officially approved for graduation! Congratulations Reanminere, I couldn’t be prouder.”

Reani feels like her face is going to crack in two but at the same time her heart feels like it’s going to burst out of her chest it’s pounding so hard. It’s real, it’s happening.

Two weeks from now she’ll be walking across the stage as a college graduate.

***

It’s cause for celebration is what it is. Reani sends out a message into the group chat with the news and within ten minutes there’s a huge party set up in her honor at Beau’s house. Apparently her terrible roommates are going out of town for the weekend and she’d been looking for a reason to throw the party of the semester anyway.

Reani’s more than happy to give her an excuse.

She asks if there’s anything she can do and that’s how she ends up driving Beau around to liquor stores around the city trying to track down a truly enormous liquor list. Judging by the list everyone is going home with alcohol poising or 500 people are attending. 

“Is anyone going to survive this party?” Reani asks as she helps Beau push yet another keg into the back of Reani’s car. It’s actually taken an impressive game of alcohol Tetris to get it all to fit. Beau prides herself on the challenge and more than once Reani’s had to stop her from trying to remove parts of her vehicle to make things fit.

“Not if we do it right.” Beau smirks as she shuts the trunk. It takes a few tries but the woman is nothing if not annoyingly persistent. “Okay, one more spot and then we should be good.”

Reani pulls out of the parking lot. Turning out onto the main road she hears the clinking of bottles in the back and throws up a quick prayer that she doesn’t have to live through the nightmare situation where all those bottles break.

“How long is it going to take to set this up?” Reani’s already calculating her exhaustion levels vis-a-vis how much time she has to sleep tomorrow before she has to get some work done. 

“Zero time for you,” Beau says looking at Reani like she’s insane. “You’re going home and taking a nap after you drop me off. I’m not having you act like a grandma trying to leave and go to bed at like 11. This is probably your last college party, I’m sending you out on your shield.”

Reani gulps. She pushes down the feeling of having Beau put so much thought into her mixed with holy shit, it probably is her last college party. Beau mistakes the look on Reani’s face for fear and puts her hand on Reani’s shoulder and squeezes.

“Don’t worry, I’m gonna take real good care of you tonight Reani. You’ve got my undivided attention.” Beau removes her hand but Reani feels it long after its gone.

Oh this is bad, so so so bad.

***

She was given strict instructions to not even think about showing up before 10pm so she could have adequate time to nap, refresh, and quote, get herself looking hot. That last part made Reani glad that Beau texted it to her and didn’t try to say that in person lest she witness Reani’s embarrassing blush. She’s been trying not to be that asshole who sits there and smiles at her phone every time Beau says anything to her but it’s been a failure.

The other wrinkle in the plan is that somehow between the last liquor store and dropping Beau off she’d been convinced by Beau to take a ride share over to her house and spend the night after the party. It’s amazing how many good points Beau can make when she really puts her mind to it. Reani had been lured into the trap and agreed to it before she let herself really think it through.

So she also packs a little overnight bag with her toiletries and a change of clothes while doing her very best to push the thought of potentially sharing a bed with Beau out of her mind.

But she does her best to put her best assets forward because when Beauregard Lionett tells you to get yourself looking hot its recommended you take that seriously. Out of the back of her closet she pulls out an emerald green dress that she bought years ago that barely comes mid-thigh with a neckline that scoops dangerously low, thus showing off her chest and legs way more than was ever appropriate for game nights with their couple friends at Fen’s apartment. Reani’s been dying for an opportunity to wear it and nothing seems more appropriate than her last hurrah.

What was it Beau said? Reani’s going out on her shield and with this dress, she might drop a few more people into their graves with her.

***

The party is going strong by the time Reani gets dropped off. In retrospect she feels awkward with an overnight bag pushing through the throngs of people loitering in the front yard smoking cigarettes and weed rolled up into black and milds creating a truly intoxicating scent. Reani laughs at her own pun as she walks in through the open front door.

She’s immediately met with music so loud that her pun might be the last clear thought she has for the night. It’s generic top 40 rap meant to induce everyone into grinding all over each other she looks over to see a few couples already in the spirit.

Out of nowhere Molly enters her field of vision, Reani barely manages to resist the urge to scream.

“You look good enough to eat,” Molly says with his ever-present smug smile as his eyes rake down her body. Reani likes him, she really does, but she also can see why he gets on Beau’s last nerve. “Beau gave me orders to greet you at the door and take all of your belongings to her room. Lucky for you I’m in a state of penitence and thus inclined to follow one of Beau’s orders.” He holds his hand out. Reani hands over her bag. He winks at her before walking away without another word.

Without her bag to weigh her down, Reani feels overwhelmed by her freedom. It feels like the last time you go to a playground as a kid only this time she knows it’s the last time. It puts the weight of a different type of expectation on her shoulders. It’s one thing to go wild and have fun, it’s another to know that’s what you’re meant to do.

First order of business, she needs a fucking drink. Fuck it, if she’s turning tonight into her playground she’s doing it with her companion of choice. She enters the kitchen to the sight of Fjord slinging drinks to a crowd of thirsty partygoers. She pushes through because this is her night, she’s the guest of honor so she gets drink privileges.

“Tequila, garçon.” Fjord rolls his eyes but his smile gives away his complete lack of annoyance.

“Certainly madam.” He opens up a cooler behind him that’s apparently filled with nothing but proper cocktail ice balls and plops one in a red solo cup. Reani laughs at the contrast, it’s so Beau. Fjord pours her three fingers of tequila in the glass and then pours her a shot on the side.

Reani jumps head first into the deep end with the shot and hands him back the glass with a nod. He returns the nod of respect and returns to his bartender duties as she pushes her way back out of the crowd.

Within a minute she feels the warmth of the first tequila shot flowing through her body. The tingle that runs down her spine when she spots Beau has nothing to do with the alcohol. Beau’s not bothered with the illusion of a shirt, wearing a dark blue sports bra - abs on full display. Reani uses the fact that she hasn’t been spotted and the cover of darkness to truly appreciate the gift to modern society that is Beau’s six pack. She’s paired her sports bra with a pair of black shorts that end an inch or two above the knee. And, of course, black flip flops because that’s party mode Beau.

It’s so bro-y, so far from Fen with her preppy put togetherness. Reani allows herself one fantasy of doing a body shot off of Beau, as a treat. Then Jester turns her head, squints, and waves her arms wildly. That’s it, Reani’s been spotted.

Party on.

***

Two successful games of flip cup, one lost game of beer pong, and a lengthy argument on the validity of natural fertilizer with a person she’s never met before later, Reani’s name is being chanted as Beau’s secret present to her is walked out by Fjord and Umi. Beau insists upon using her hands to cover Reani’s hands, her front pressed enticingly against Reani’s back - her body warm and somehow as rock solid as it is pliant. All of the reasons Reani shouldn’t kiss Beau keep slipping away with the rest of her inhibitions.

When Beau removes her hands from Reani’s eyes, she loops them around Reani’s waist instead - resting her chin on Reani’s shoulders. It takes a moment for Reani to process the unveiling of her gift and wow, only Beau could put something so thoughtful and senseless together.

“You love it?” Beau whispers excitedly into Reani’s ear. Reani’s thankful Beau can’t see the way her eyes fluttered closed.

In front of her is the most ridiculous ice luge Reani’s ever seen, chiseled in a crude likeness of Reani with a graduation cap on her head followed by a series of intricate pathways for shots to flow. She has so many questions and not enough time in the world to ask any of them.

All Reani can do is nod emphatically. Maybe it’s the alcohol or her own emotional nature but she can’t fight the few tears that fall down her cheeks. Her mind is a maelstrom of conflicting emotions. Beau’s arms tighten around her waist, Reani puts her hands over Beau’s and squeezes.

“Come on,” Beau says softly in Reani’s ear before breaking away loudly and yelling. “Graduation girl shots!” The entire crowd cheers. Reani finds herself being pulled willingly towards the luge. The thing is a monster, there’s space enough for two people to take a shot at the same time. Beau grabs two cushions from the wall and puts them in front of the luge.

Beau shifts around behind Reani and helps her kneel so that she won’t accidentally expose herself to the crowd. She kneels down on the pillow next to Reani. “You good with another shot? Me and Fjord have a signal if you want water or juice, you don’t have to drink.” The crowd is so loud that Reani’s the only one who can hear her and she can barely hear Beau. When she processes what Beau’s said her heart starts to race. It’s a simple gesture and yet it feels like everything Beau is choosing to be right now, her entire being is geared towards making Reani want her.

“I want to.” Never has a phrase had so many meanings. Reani makes the decision right then and there. If Beau rejects her she’s had enough to drink that they can brush it off risk free in the morning. But before the night is over, Reani’s making her move.

She doesn’t have too many more moments to waste.

***

When Umi leaves the party he makes sure Reani is okay to stay, she gives him the all clear and he heads off into the night. As the hours roll on, the size of the party dwindles lower and lower until it’s down to their friend group and a few drunken stragglers waiting for their ride out on the lawn.

Caleb and Veth and Veth’s boyfriend, Yeza, are asleep in a cuddle pile on the pull out couch. Jester and Caduceus and Fjord are in a similar situation in a fort of blankets and pillows on the floor. Beau offers her roommates beds up with the promise that she’ll make it seem like it never happened but nobody is brave enough to take her up on that offer.

Molly found a girl and a guy and left to go have, quote, the time of his life. Yasha left at 11 like the grandma Reani promised she wouldn’t be.

And then there was two.

Beau halfheartedly goes through the motion of cleaning up the messes that’ll be gross to work on in the morning while Reani watches her move around the room from her place leaning against a wall.

Reani feels the effects of the alcohol starting to ease off into a gentle warm buzz. Once she decided she was going to shoot her shot tonight she’s felt this continuous warmth settled low in her stomach, a familiar arousal tempered by the anxiety of anticipation. Since she decided she’s been cataloging Beau’s ever touch and ranking them on potential flirtiness. It hasn’t been hard, once she noticed how all over her Beau’s been it’s been impossible to not notice. There’s always a hand on the small of Reani’s back when they’re talking to others, sitting impossibly close on the outside couch, the hugs in excitement when they win a game or in conciliation with something doesn’t go their way.

It’s possessive in a way she didn’t expect and can’t help but read into. It’s not like she didn’t notice and, to be honest, revel in the jealous glares from the other single women at the party hoping for their chance to get Beau alone. But true to her word she didn’t leave Reani alone, she stuck to her side like glue. Reani finally understands what it’s like to bask in that light and she fears its a feeling more intoxicating than tequila.

“I’m not picking up another fucking cup, I swear. Those assholes are helping me clean tomorrow or I’m not buying burritos.” Beau returns to Reani looking annoyed but still smiling when she sees Reani. “I’ll buy you a burrito though, you’re not one of the assholes.” She holds out her hand for Reani. “You’re too sweet to be an asshole.”

Reani bites her bottom lip and releases it in the same breath. “I’m not always sweet.”

“I doubt that.”

Reani takes Beau’s hand and leads her towards her bedroom. Beau follows without resistance. Reani uses the fact that she’s ahead of Beau to let her face fall into any number of emotions before finally allowing the arousal she’s felt the entire night show. She pulls them into the room and closes the door by pressing her back against the door.

Beau doesn’t drop her hand.

The room is completely dark except for the soft glow of the moon coming through Beau’s window. Suddenly, Reani feels laid bare but the piercing look in Beau’s eyes. She knows. Of course she knows, she’s been with how many people. This probably isn’t the first time a girl has pulled this exact move.

That anxiety creeps back, settling in her throat. Reani goes to speak but finds words have escaped her. Of all the times.

Beau takes one step, then another, until the only space between them is their hands joined together. Even in the dark, Beau’s eyes bore into Reani’s soul. She thought she was on fire before, she didn’t know what she was talking about. This is a different level of want, no. This goes far past want, she needs Beau to do something. She thought she was brave enough to leap across the space between them and make something happen but that’s never been her game.

She brought them to this place, she put them in this position.

Beau releases her hand. She brackets Reani’s head with her forearms leaning against the door. They’re breathing the same air, Reani feels their chests sync up. She’s never felt this alive without being touched, she feels like she’s going to burst out of her skin if Beau doesn’t hurry up and do something.

“I need you to say it,” Beau’s voice feels like it drops an octave if possible, it’s pure sex. Reani tries to discreetly press her legs together. Beau flicks her eyes down at the movement. When she looks up, her pupils are blown. “Tell me you want me.”

Reani licks her lips. She can’t help but focus on Beau’s lips. She wants them, she wants them on her lips, on her body. She wants everything and she can have it, all she has to do is say so. It’s that easy, it’s right there.

She looks for any hint of hesitation in Beau’s eyes, any sense that Reani’s somehow reading this entire situation the wrong way and setting herself up for embarrassment and exile.

All she sees is the same desire reflected back at her like a mirror.

Beau leans her forehead against Reani’s, her right hand drops to cup Reani’s chin. Her thumb strokes in comforting patterns, Reani’s eyes fall closed and she let her weight fall back completely into the door. Beau lets her other hand steady Reani’s hip, pulling them so their hips are flush.

Reani opens her eyes. “Please,” She hates how desperate her voice sounds, she hates how out of control this has gotten as quickly as it has but this is the point of no return. She wants Beau, she does and fuck the consequences. Right now, she wants Beau’s lips on hers. She wants to feel Beau’s body against her own with nothing in between. “I want you, you don’t even know how much.”

Beau’s lips are soft against Reani’s, she moves her hand from Reani’s chin to the back of her neck and kisses her like she’s lost in the desert and Reani’s an oasis. In all of her years, Reani’s never been kissed like this. Like she’s the only person in the whole world who has what someone wants.

She’s always known Beau to be passionate, to have depths in ways that other people don’t acknowledge but it’s another thing to have all of that passion focused on her. It’s like staring directly into the sun, Reani feels completely consumed.

Beau slips the straps of Reani’s dress down her shoulder and pulls the zipper down enough that the dress pools to the floor.

“You’re gorgeous.” Beau stands back and admires her like she’s a sculpture that belongs in the most prestigious museum. Reani feels the urge to cover herself with her arms, she moves to do so suddenly self conscious about her matching bra and panty set that she’d worn maybe subconsciously expecting this all along. “No, don’t. I wanna see you.”

Reani swallows hard. She lets her arms fall to her sides, lets Beau look.

Beau’s undressed in the blink of an eye. She grabs Reani by the waist and pulls their bodies flush again. Reani nearly blacks out at the feel of Beau’s naked body against her mostly naked body. She presses her legs helplessly together knowing already she won’t last long.

She feels like she’s having an out of body experience as Beau gently pushes her onto her back on the bed. She bounces a little on the soft mattress but immediately finds herself grounded by Beau straddling her.

Beau kisses down her neck and her hands wander down her body. There’s no way something that feels this good can be a bad idea, Reani rationalizes. She lets her brain take a backseat to her body and allows herself to enjoy this without bogging herself down with thoughts.

She deserves it at least once.


	8. Chapter 8

A persistent bird chirps a lovely melody on the window sill, perfect cartoon rays of sunlight shine through the window, and Reani swears last night was all a beautiful dream until she feels the warm weight of Beau’s arm slung across her chest. If a group of woodland creatures crashes through the window to braid her hair Reani wouldn’t question that this all might be a dream.

Reani steadies her breath, she wants to savor this moment. Her entire body is sore in the most beautiful way, Beau is an athlete in every sense of the word. She gladly worked to keep up last night and oh, what a night it was.

It’s not like Reani’s touch starved or even like she was on some kind of sex drought. But there’s sex before Beau and then there’s the brave new world after sex with Beau. If there’s any mistake that’s been made it’s that Beau may have ruined her for everyone else.

But that’s a problem for future Reani. Present Reani is laying on a bed with soft cotton sheets, a comforter half kicked to the floor, and her memories. Present Reani feels like she could sleep for days, feels like she barely got to sleep before her traitorous brain made her wake up again. If this is what euphoria feels like then consider her euphoric.

Beau grumbles garbled words that might be real words in her sleep, the arm around Reani’s chest cinches tighter. The golden light of the sun frames Beau’s smooth dark skin, all Reani wants to do is watch her for the rest of the morning. She’s well aware that’s she’s teetering on the edge of being that girl but she’s going to teeter as long as there’s nobody watching. She’s allowed to have this one moment before reality bites her in the ass with the actual implications of their actions.

Reality can have all of the rest of the hours in the day, she’s allowed to be selfish. Because here’s the thing, once Beau wakes up she becomes real again. Once Beau wakes up she has the potential to become reality, to burst Reani’s bubble without any regard for the safety the bubble provides.

Within this bubble this is neither a one night stand nor a mistake. Within this bubble her mind is filled with Beau’s mouth and her hands and her abs and all of the things she can say and do. All of the things she did, Reani reminds herself smugly. She’s allowed to bask, stretching her body subtly so as to not wake Beau from her slumber.

Once Beau wakes up, it’s a brave new world so she’s going to stay in this world unchanged until she’s forced to stop. Everything else is changing and she’s embraced that for the most part but this?

Not yet.

Eventually pounding on the door wakes Beau up. Reani does an admirable job, in her opinion, of play acting her own wake up because somewhere between watching Beau sleep and enjoying being cuddled she realizes that’s not casual friend hook up behavior. Reani’s trying to set realistic expectations for how Beau is going to treat her this morning and she figures considering the track record, it’s best to shoot low and try not to let it hurt too much.

“I’m going to personally murder whoever is slamming on my fucking door with my bare hands!” Beau throws the pillow underneath her head at the door. It lands with a thud but the knocking persists. With a loud grunt, Beau throws her body off the bed - landing in a three point stance before steadying and walking to the door. Reani knows she would have tumbled to the floor, not for the first time she catalogues the random impressive things about Beau. A list far too long for the current vibe which is supposed to be chill.

“Not if I kill you first!” Ah, of course, Veth. The only person who can claim to be more of a pugilist than Beau. At least Beau manages to channel that energy into legal fights, Veth simply is down to fight at any moment of any day. To be honest, Reani’s always feared her and kept their interactions purposefully sparse.

Beau wrenches open the door, leaning against the frame. “I’d love to see you try. If I had a dollar for every time I kicked your ass, well.” Beau lifts her eyebrow, accentuating the smooth white scar cutting through her eyebrow - a remnant from one such ass kicking that went a little too far. “I could pay off my student loans.”

“Stay cocky, I’ll stay ready.” Veth leans into the room. Reani’s thankful she had the wherewithal early this morning right after their last round to pee because nobody likes a UTI, and also put on her pajamas from her overnight bag. Not that it would stop Veth from peeking, Reani’s never known Veth to have a boundary she didn’t immediately plough through. Veth shakes her head at Reani who is starting to think she should have snuck out of the room and pretended she slept on the couch. “I thought you had standards. I’m very disappointed.”

“Wow, in record time you’ve overstayed your welcome.” Beau pushes the door closed against Veth’s struggling protests and screams about burritos and everyone being hungry and we need to clean the house before the devil roommates get back. “Yeah, yeah, well why don’t you get cleaning then Veth. I threw the party, you guys clean for fucks sake.” Beau yells as the door slams shut.

Once they’re alone, Reani grabs the rest of the comforter pulling it to cover her body. Suddenly hit with a wave of self-consciousness. There’s reality, rearing its ugly Veth-shaped head.

Beau swaggers the few steps back to the bed, lazily sitting on the side. “Don’t listen to her. You clearly have amazing taste.” Reani blushes, tucking the covers tighter. Beau looks at her with the same look that had her dress on the floor in less than sixty seconds. “You were fantastic, I didn’t think you had it in you but wow.” She makes a low whistling sound accompanied by an okay symbol with her fingers. Beau shakes her head, scoots closer to Reani. “Who knew?”

Reani swallows hard. Veth is awake, considering her general lack of volume control its reasonable to assume that everyone is awake. On one hand, Reani’s now painfully aware they weren’t discreet in any way - she might as well have lit a neon sign on the door for as loud as they were. Not that Reani could or really felt like she should control her volume but the cat is certainly out of the bag. On the other hand, there’s a difference between the abstract knowledge that people know she’s been well and thoroughly fucked and giving them a matinee performance.

Still, Beau keeps moving closer. Reani lets the covers drop because after all, her complete and total lack of self control got her in this bed in the first place. If this is the only time she’s going to make this mistake she might as well capitalize on the opportunity.

She’s not quiet this time either.

She dutifully ignores Fjord’s permanently red face as he graciously drives her home. He doesn’t attempt to make conversation leaving Reani alone with her own thoughts. The constant flow of endorphins and serotonin over the last couple hours leaves her perpetually devoid of any heavy thoughts.

Instead her brain chooses to play a highlight reel, a greatest hits of Beau. The way her body completely capitulates with a single crook of Beau’s fingers, the look in Beau’s eyes when Reani does what she asks, the way Reani wants to make Beau happy - so eager to please. She wants to be ashamed but she can’t when she can still feel how good it makes her feel to give in to the fire, to the need. She ignores that the high she’s on sits on top of an iceberg in a world rapidly burning up around her.

Her head is above water.

That’s all that matters.

***

It turns into one of those weekends where she stays in bed except to eat and pee and shower. She gets nothing done because truth be told there’s not much to get done. The video interview is on Monday but there’s not much more that she can do to get prepared. There’s Zuala’s notes and her confidence from making it through the previous rounds and her general sense of competence in her own worthiness.

So Reani orders way too much takeout, eats full orders of lemongrass chicken and drunken noodles and bulgogi like she’s fueling for a marathon instead of recovering from casual sex and partying. Umi calls to check on her Sunday afternoon, she thinks about omitting certain details but finds she can’t help the words that are coming out of her mouth. 

The only thing is that Umagorn Smeltborne is not an unintelligent man. For all that he’s in college for the safety net of the degree and not necessarily the book learning, the man can put two and two together to make a connection. It doesn’t take him more than a few seconds to connect the dots. This is why Reani needs to keep her mouth shut because the veiled conversations of yesterday always become the revelations of tomorrow.

“She’s the one, isn’t she?” Umi doesn’t sound disappointed so much as worried. “The big smoke and mirrors person on your mind.” He sighs. “Reani.”

“Umi.”

“Reani.”

“Umi.”

Reani can play this game all day. Umi knows this. In her mind she can see him stroking his beard, rubbing his forehead, walking to his refrigerator to grab a beer. That last one is cheating, she hears the clink of the bottle cap opening and clattering onto his countertop.

“She’s not exactly a one woman type of woman, I don’t have to tell you that.” He pauses to drink. She’s driven him to drink. “I would like to go on the record as not ever wanting to talk about your sex life again. I’m not drinking beer, I’m drinking bleach.”

“That’s a toxic choice.”

“Ha. Ha.” She hears him set the bottle down. Reani mentally prepares her heart to receive the big brother lecture she has on the way. “This isn’t.” He stops to gather his words. “You’re not putting your heart in this, right? Promise me you won’t unnecessarily make yourself learn this lesson. You’re almost off to bigger and better things. You’re going to Zadash, you’re gonna make me so proud.”

“I haven’t even gotten the internship yet.”

“You will.” Umi uses his full big brother voice to cut off her weak protest. “You will. And when you do I want you to take over the world.”

“That’s a stretch.”

“Can you stop interrupting me I’m trying to have a moment with you.”

“I get it, okay.” Reani picks at the slightly raised cuticles on her fingernails, a nervous habit she keeps intending to get rid of. It’s the intent that counts, she’ll figure it out eventually. “It’s not like I’ve heard from her since. I’m not stupid, Umi.”

“I know you’re not.”

“I didn’t want to not tell you, everyone knows. It’s not a secret. Believe me, the longer I go without hearing from her the more embarrassed I get. I don’t need the speech.” It’s like one of those out of body experiences where she wishes she could physically grab those words out of the ether and bring them back into her mouth. Remove them from the world where now they’re something to deal with.

Saying it out loud is different than eating all of her feelings about it. Saying it out loud instead of letting it marinate in her brain makes it real. She’s made it real, she said it to Umi, and now she has to feel it. All she wanted was the highest of highs, she took a leap of faith and for a moment in time she got caught. But then the arms that caught her suddenly retreated, leaving her in a freefall that she’s only now acknowledging.

The thought makes her want to cry but she’s trying to assure Umi that she’s fine not give him cause to drive over to give her a bear hug. Or worse, challenge Beau to a duel for her honor. The thought of Umi in a macaroni hat with a feather gives her cause to smile but only for a moment. She’s grateful in this moment that Umi hates video chat and he can’t see the mess she’s going to be as soon as he hangs up.

“I don’t expect anything from her.” Reani lies to herself and Umi as a result. “I’m graduating in two weeks, I’m not looking for anything serious believe me. I’m a little embarrassed, I should have been more careful, sure, but I’m fine. Trust me.” He shouldn’t. 

“It’s my job to be there for you whether you like it or not.” There’s more than a hint of skepticism in his voice but she can feel him backing off. Content to have gotten his point across for now. “If you’re fine I’m going to keeping checking but I trust you.”

Reani wishes he didn’t trust her so much. She wishes she could have trusted her own instincts instead of letting go of her inhibitions for one night and throwing her life into a world of hurt. She doesn’t want to care but she’s never been very good at that.

It’s not love, she knows that. How can it be love when she was almost engaged to another woman not even six months ago? I can’t be love but then again what has Reani known of love except for hurt and unrealistic expectations and rejection.

Karma isn’t something she thinks about often but if the fates have a cruel sense of humor then perhaps this is her penance for breaking Fen’s heart. The fates sent her temptation, the proverbial apple and all she had to do was not take a bite.

Reani ate the whole damn thing in one bite and now she’s choking on her own lack of judgement.

“Reani?” Umi calls her name again. Reani realizes he’s said it a few times.

“Hmm, yeah, sorry. I’m ordering food, I got distracted.” She brushes him off, taking advantage of the fact that he feels like he’s pushed too hard and won’t push again so soon. “Hey listen, I’m gonna let you go so I can get this done.”

“Text me later?”

“Sure thing.”

He tells her he loves her and he’s there for her and she barely manages to hold back the tears until he hangs up.

Then she lets them fall because there’s nobody there to stop her. Nobody tell to call her a stupid, stupid girl for doing this to herself. She set her expectations low and somehow still managed to hit her head on the very low bar.

But not even a text? Not even a meme, an emoji, a sign that Reani’s not like the other ones. Reani would accept a friendly exchange ignoring the event entirely but assuring that nothing has changed.

Everything has changed though, hasn’t it.

***

Monday comes and goes. She nails her interview.

No Beau.

Tuesday comes, Wednesday goes. On Thursday Umi forces her out to the Tumbled Tankard because she’s been floating on autopilot through the week and he notices.

She spends the night staring at her phone, ignoring texts from everyone sending her early congratulations. There’s only one name she wants to see and by now she knows its not happening.

Reani never took Beau for a coward. A player, maybe, but a ghost? She never expected that.

It’s getting close to closing time. Reani’s been nursing the same warm beer for the last hour and a half. She doesn’t feel like getting drunk. Can’t bear to feel more like a piece of shit than she already does. Her brain flashes back to a moment that lives rent free in her mind. Reani wants to erase it more than anything but it’s the only thing she can think about.

Beau cradling her in her strong arms, whispering words of encouragement as Reani comes down from another orgasm. Reani babbling stupidly, drunk on the feeling coursing through her bones asking Beau if she’ll visit her in Zadash. Beau promising she would, Reani believing her.

What an fool she is.

She can’t even get a text.

It’s worse because Reani knows that Beau is capable of incredible depth. She’s one of the few people who Beau’s allowed to peel back the layers, to see the person beneath the image, beneath the bullshit. She knows Reani is capable of it but she’s choosing not to. That’s makes it unbearable.

On Friday she picks up her cap and gown. On Saturday she gets a call.

Zadash is happening after all.

After her last celebration, Reani doesn’t feel like making the effort. Her heart might be wounded but the escape plan arrives on a silver platter.

In a few months, she’s going to leave this city and any thoughts of Beau behind.


	9. Chapter 9

Landon gets into town three nights before graduation. Reani offers up her room but he insists on booking a room at the Lavish Chateau. He claims he only gets to see his baby girl graduate once and it’s worth it but she know he’s also not going to miss a chance to see the Ruby of the Sea perform. Reani can’t say she blames him, Jester’s gotten them the whole backstage hookup multiple times and it’s more than worth the price of admission.

Thinking of Jester and her mom makes Reani think about Beau which is obviously not the most productive thing in the world. Radio silence still. If that’s the way Beau wants it, Reani’s disappointed but she learned early on in life that she can only control the things she can control. That generally boils down to being able to control her own actions. She can’t take back sleeping with Beau, she’s not sure she would want to even if she could. Sometimes you learn more from your mistakes and boy, this has been a lesson.

She’s not going to let that ruin the day she’s worked so hard for throughout her entire life. Beau’s clearly got her own issues she needs to work out but that’s not Reani’s problem.

So with Landon’s arrival, Reani shifts into tour guide mode. He’s visited during family weekends but those were short weekend turnarounds and they never had time to see the sights. Family weekend trips are more about going out to eat, watching football games, and spending time together. But considering this is his last visit down, she figures she might as well show him the sights in Nicodranas.

It’s weird, you go to college and you keep pushing off actually exploring because oh, well, those places are always going to be there. And then graduation comes and you still haven’t checked off the top items on your list.

On the first day, Reani takes Landon on a very comprehensive tour of the Nicodranian power grid. To be honest, it’s not the highest on her own personal list but she knows its something he’s been fascinated with and she feels guilty over the fact that he’d wanted to go a couple years ago but she’d ditched him to go hang out with Fen. So, like the dutiful daughter she obviously is she sits through the lectures from electrical engineers and fiddles with the tactile objects in the museum section while Landon asks question after question.

Landon does get her ice cream after the fact as an acknowledgement of her patience.

The next day, they fulfill a couple of items on Reani’s list. She’s always wanted to tour the historical ships down at the Restless Wharf but it never seemed like something that would win out over partying or snuggling at home in front of Netflix. It doesn’t totally seem like her type of thing on the surface and, honestly, she’s not super comfortable sharing why it’s important to her with other people. So it’s possible she intentionally put it off to the last minute.

Landon gives her a curious look when she suggests the shipyard because he knows. When he first adopted her she used to talk all the time about her mom, what she remembered anyway. The one thing that always stuck with her was the stories her mom would tell about her birth father. Her mom talked about him all the time, talked about how happy he was when she was born. About how he never wanted to leave them. That he was a sailor, lost out on the open seas and that’s why they struggled from place to place, that’s why she eventually had to give Reani away.

She told Reani so many stories that she feels like she met him even though she’s pretty sure that she never did. Maybe it was bullshit, Reani admits as an adult that it could have been. But she’s always stuck to that idea that her father didn’t leave because he wanted to, that he wasn’t around because he couldn’t be. Perhaps a childish way to stave off a lifetime of abandonment issues but Landon always encouraged her to believe what she needed to believe.

Thinking about her dad always leads her to think about her mom. She never did find out what became of her after she gave Reani up to Landon. When she first moved down to Nicodranas, it’s silly but she tried to look. It didn’t take long to find nothing but dead ends. From time to time she wonders if her mom ever thinks about her, regrets giving her up, or misses her. She doesn’t allow the possibility to cross her mind too often that her mom doesn’t care or has passed away. It brings her comfort to know that somewhere out there she’s being thought of. There’s no other option.

Landon holds her hand the entire visit. Gives her space when it’s clear she needs it and holds her close when she starts to tear up. Landon buys her a little commemorative ship keychain and they have fish and chips at the Fish Market. 

In the afternoon, they head over to do a tour of the old palace of the Marquis. Reani will fully admit this is her payback for Landon dragging her through an electrical system. She makes him take about a thousand pictures of her posing like royalty in every room. There’s a stage show imitating the old extravagant balls they used to hold in the palace that Reani makes them attend. She sits them in the front row and the actor playing the Marquis selects them for the audience participation segment of the show. Reani gets to pretend she’s debuting in front of a court of admirers as Landon escorts her. If anything, it’s a great way to walk off the fish and chips and emotion of the morning shipyard tour.

That evening she drops Landon off at the hotel and heads back to her apartment. That’s when it starts to feel real. The next time she wakes up she’ll be putting on a cap and gown and walking across the stage to receive her diploma. It feels as fantastical. You work your ass off for four years and then with a little pomp and circumstance it’s over. She fully accepts the reality but at the same time, as she irons her robes and sets out a cute dress for underneath it feels like she’s walking through a fantasy.

Tomorrow she’s going to be a college graduate.

***

The alarm on her phone sounds off at six in the morning. Reani goes to snooze only to find that past Reani sabotaged present Reani by setting the alarm as a no snooze. Well, there’s no avoiding it now. She throws off the covers, sits up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Her feet his the soft carpet, she wriggles her toes as she attempts to force her groggy mind into wakefulness. They’re making them start setting up at the stadium at 7:30am for some godforsaken reason. Graduation doesn’t start until ten but in the graduation information meetings they basically said it takes them two hours to get everyone organized.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why she’s wearing flats with a gel insole. Granted they are brand new cute flats with a blue fabric bow on the top of each shoe that she lovingly attached that matches the blue tinted lilies on her dress. But still, flats.

Normally this early in the morning she would take a nice, long and luxurious hot shower but considering that seems more likely to send her right back into bed she turns the dial as cold as she can tolerate and jumps in before she can think twice. The jolt of the cold water works better than five cups of coffee with shots of espresso. She feels wide awake at the first burst of freezing cold water.

The rest of her morning routine feels like a breeze in comparison to the initial shock of her shower. It only takes her 45 minutes which seems like a coup considering the pictures from this day will be immortalized for the rest of the life so logically that means she has to be the cutest she’s ever been. No pressure.

She’s got that airport feeling like she’s forgetting something so she puts together a mental checklist while she’s putting on her makeup. She then checks that mental checklist twice before running around her house to make sure that she has her cap and her gown and her phone and her photo id. Thank god for big boobs otherwise she’d have to figure out how to carry a bag all day.

Reani gets about five minutes away from her house before she realizes that she left her lip balm on her living room table. One illegal u-turn, five angry drivers, and ten minutes later she’s back on the road. It’s a good thing she decided on those flats because she ends up power walking from her car to the stadium in order to make it on time.

As she approaches, she starts to see the blue cap and gowns. Graduates milling around waiting to be sorted, families lost on campus trying to figure out where they’re supposed to be even though they’re ridiculously early. Her heart starts racing.

Underneath the stadium groups of restless students are sorted into blocks by college first and then subgroups by major. There’s five check in tables, Reani goes to the line that seems the shortest only to find that’s because it’s being run by the slowest admin ever. It’s whatever, it’s not like there’s any way she can speed up time.

Finally, she checks in and gets sorted. She’s been in her program for four years and yet somehow has never met the two people next to her alphabetically. She cranes her neck looking for Umi and after a minute of squinting finally spots him doing the same thing. Once they catch each other’s eyes she gives him a bright smile, pointing up to the cap she’s now gotten securely pinned into her hair. She spent the days before Landon’s arrival painstakingly decorating her cap with drawn flowers and some pressed and dried real petals. It was something to keep her mind off of the whole Beau situation and get her excited for her own achievements again.

He tilts his head down and even from far away she can see the intricate anvil he’s designed on the top. They give each other thumbs up like the nerds that they are. She’s sure her seat mates must think she’s a maniac. They’re probably thanking their lucky stars they never had to deal with her until now but she doesn’t care. It’s her graduation day, she’s gonna nerd out with her best friend.

Way across the room, in the section with all of the criminal justice majors she sees the top of Fen’s head scanning the room. There’s a tiny part of her heart that wonders if Fen is looking for her. But the rest of her knows that it’s for the best that she isn’t. Whatever went down with Beau, Reani knows that she’s truly over Fen in the ways that matter. She’s never going to forget or stop appreciating the time that they had together. She’s always believed that every relationship gives you something, a lesson of some sort.

Fen taught her how to trust after Samliel and a string of meaningless, harmful relationships at the beginning of college. Before Fen she thought that love was obsession and control but Fen taught her about a mature kind of love. Reani will always appreciate that. She wishes Fen the best, she really does.

Things settle down after that. There’s this nervous, excited energy that’s palpable in the whole room. Thousands of graduates all trying to figure out exactly where they’re going to be seated so they can text their families with the best place to sit so they can get good pictures. Reani feels her leg bouncing up and down, she doesn’t even try to stop it. She’s allowed to feel all of these things. Nervous, excited, sort of bored from waiting.

Whatever adult life is, society tells her that it starts now. She’s in a better position than a lot of people in the room. She knows her next step in this world. She has no idea if she’ll be successful or if she’ll like it or if it’ll make her happy. But at least her compass is pointed in a specific direction.

In what seems like minutes and hours at the same time, processional music starts to play and they’re being directed by a group of guides to stand. Everything in her mind goes blank from that moment forward, she hopes Landon is in the crowd somewhere taking pictures and videos because she’s not going to remember a thing.

***

After an exhausting game of telephone tag with a special addition of find that monument, she’s reunited with Landon. He pulls her into a bone crushing hug that sweeps her off of her feet. Landon’s not the tallest man in the world but she’s so short he’s able to get her off of the ground and swing her around. She squeals in delight like she’s a little girl again as she begs him to put her down. One more revolution, she’s dizzy but her feet are firmly on the ground. She stumbles but his hand catches her.

“You did amazing!” He laughs as he steadies her. “I took so many pictures. I tried to post them but the internet in the stadium is horrible.” He shakes his head with a huge smile on his face. “This is why I paid for internet at the hotel. Everyone’s asking about you.”

Reani shows an impressive amount of restraint by not rolling her eyes. Dad’s, they’re all the same. “I didn’t do anything, I sat there.”

“And you were the best one sitting there.”

“If you say so.”

“I know so.”

Landon throws his arm around her shoulders. “Where do you want to go for lunch? I’ll even spring for dessert and drinks.”

“Ooooh, this must be a very special day.”

“My only daughter only graduates from college once.”

“I don’t know.” Reani teases. “Maybe I should apply for grad school.”

Landon clutches his heart. “Maybe only dessert then, that sounds expensive.”

“I’m kidding!” Reani leans her head against his shoulder and closes her eyes briefly. God, she’s tired. She trusts him not to lead her astray for a few moments.

She opens her eyes when she hears the persistent beeping that means they’re getting close to a crosswalk. For a moment she thinks, no, it couldn’t be. There’s no way a person could be that bold or that stupid. Because what she thinks she sees is Beau, clothed for once in a pressed looking button down shirt and a nice pair of slacks. Those even look like dress shoes.

Of course, that couldn’t be Beau standing there looking like she’s searching through a sea of graduates. And are those flowers? Reani does roll her eyes this time.

Landon’s already leading them across the street. Reani doesn’t want to act weird, she doesn’t want this to be weird but there’s a pretty high chance Beau is going to see her. Even in a sea of people looking the same. Reani curses her innate ability to stand out in a crowd.

At the same time she’s not going to act like she’s the one who did something wrong. She’s a fully consenting adult who had sex with another fully consenting adult who decided to act like a gigantic asshole afterwards. It happens.

Reani senses the precise moment Beau notices her. The hairs on her arms stand on end, it’s a full body sensation of anticipation. She pulls away from Landon.

“Hey!” Beau calls out. She recklessly darts across the street in between cars, thankfully, going the speed limit. Landon gives Beau a discerning look, probably trying to a) place this person running at his daughter and b) decide if he needs to go into bouncer dad mode and step in. “Hey wait!”

Reani stops if only to minimize the chance that this turns into any more of a scene than it already is. Beau comes to a halt in front of her, a few petals on the bouquet flutter down onto the sidewalk. Close up Reani can see this isn’t your standard grocery store bouquet of weeds, she must have gotten these from a florist. It’s not your standard fare of roses, there’s even a single bird of paradise which is Reani’s favorite flower of all time.

“I’ve been looking for you.”

Beau doesn’t even have the decency to be out of breath or sweaty.

“You found me.”

The effect of Beau putting effort into looking presentable is so much worse up close than it was across the street. The arms of the button down shirt fit snugly across her muscular arms, her pants are perfectly fitted almost like they were tailored. The only sign that she’s really Beau is in the fresh, like that morning fresh, undercut and the fact that she couldn’t help but unbutton exactly one more button than would otherwise be socially appropriate.

No.

Reani remembers that Beau is an asshole. She remembers that Landon is right there, currently looking between the two of them with something that looks disturbingly like clear understanding.

Landon gives her a knowing look. Reani wishes the earth would open up underneath her and drag her into hell. “Baby girl, I’ll meet you at the hotel in about an hour okay?” He gives her a kiss on the cheek before he walks away.

Reani doesn’t say anything until he’s turned the corner and she’s absolutely sure that he’s out of sight and earshot.

“Quick question: Are you out of your fucking mind?” Her voice doesn’t waver which is great because she feels like she wants to cry all of a sudden. “You can’t show up to my graduation with flowers after fucking, you know what you fucking did. And in front of my dad? What’s wrong with you?”

Beau has the good sense to look ashamed. All that does is make her look like a kicked puppy. Reani actually finds herself feeling bad for Beau for a half second before she remembers that Beau is the one that should feel bad.

“I brought you flowers.”

“Well shit, all’s forgiven then.”

“Reani…”

“Don’t Reani me.” She’s not going to cry. Her make up is perfect. Beau is not worth the tears. Fuckboys are not worth the tears. “This is my day, you don’t get to ruin my day.”

Beau takes a step closer, flowers thrust out between them. “I don’t want to ruin your day.”

“Well, you’re doing a great job anyway. I don’t want to see you.” Reani pushes the flowers back into Beau’s chest. “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want whatever this is and I really really don’t want your fucking flowers.”

Beau looks down at the flowers against her chest. They’re still intact if not a little bit crushed. “I’m sorry, okay? I fucked up and now I’m sorry.”

“Oh, now you’re sorry? Am I supposed to be impressed? Gosh, there has to be some journalism majors still around somewhere maybe I can give them their first scoop. ‘Fuckboy fucks and fucks over friend but then grows a conscience - only took her weeks, more at 10’.” Her heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest. She hates that she’s the kind of person who can’t be monumentally angry without feeling like she’s going to sob enough to fill the Lucidian Ocean. “You fucked up.” She pokes Beau in the chest right above the top of the bird of paradise. The flowers are innocents in all of this, they don’t deserve to be ruined any more than they already have. “So go home. Leave me alone. I’m sure you’ll have someone else warming your bed by the evening.”

“Yeah, you know what? You’re right. Fuck me, I guess.” She pauses. “Oh wait, you already did.”

Reani pushes her. It’s a knee-jerk reaction and not one that she’s completely proud of even in the moment. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that.”

Beau pushes the flowers into Reani’s chest. Instinctively Reani holds onto them. “Stupid of me to think that you’d understand that I’m a fuck up but I don’t mean to be. I thought you actually knew me but whatever. Guess I’m just another fuckboy right?”

“If you wanna call a spade a spade.”

Beau’s laugh is bitter. “Then I guess I’m a spade.”

She looks into Beau’s eyes, really looks into them. Even through her own anger and hurt and whatever the fuck else she’s feeling she sees something there that stops her in her place. Landon always taught her that when everything else fails, eyes tell the truth. People can control everything else, their words, their body language but eyes are the key.

In Beau’s eyes she sees deep hurt.

Beau, hearing Reani’s prolonged silence, starts to storm off muttering under her breath. Reani reaches her arm out to stop her. The look Beau gives her confirms what Reani saw in her eyes. Beau is trying. She’s got a really fucked up hurtful way of showing it but she’s sincere in her intentions to try and extend an olive branch.

“Today is my day,” Reani says. Beau looks like she’s steeling for another war of words. Reani squeezes her bicep. The gesture of comfort visibly takes Beau by surprise. “And I really want to have a good day so I can’t do this with you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You should be, for a lot of reasons. You’re my friend, you hurt me but you’re still my friend.” Reani pulls Beau into a hug. When she pulls away she looks Beau in the eyes. “Thank you for the flowers, they really are beautiful.”

“You’re welcome.”

Reani takes a full step back. Even that brief moment of body to body contact was too much for her nerves to take. Her mind knows all of the reasons why it’s a bad idea but god does her body still want Beau in the worst way. If they’re going to salvage any semblance of a friendship, she’s got to shove that feeling so far down it never sees the light of day again.

Beau clasps her hands behind her back, shifting nervously on her feet. “So now what?”

Isn’t that the question of the moment? It would be so easy to put this behind them, throw it deep down into the basket of dirty laundry. Maybe they’ll be able to laugh about it one day or maybe it’ll be the moment that ultimately precipitates their slow drifting apart the second Reani leaves for Zadash. In her heart she knows that she’d rather have Beau in her life in some capacity than not at all. But what that looks like? Reani doesn’t have the ability to answer that question right now. Today is not the day, she doesn’t know what day will be the day.

She takes a deep breath and answers truthfully. “Now it’s your turn to wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long-ish wait! It's been a long year this month.


	10. Chapter 10

The concept of taking space is a lot harder in practice than Reani realized it would be. It’s one thing to tell Beau she needs to wait, it’s another thing to make her do so. There’s not enough to keep her busy once Landon leaves to get her through the day without staring at her phone. On the one hand, she really appreciates that Beau’s listening to her. She hasn’t tried to reach out, seemingly letting Reani take control of the situation.

What happened at graduation was rough and unexpected. She can both understand what Beau was trying to do and be completely furious at the timing. Explaining the whole thing to Landon at lunch afterwards was uncomfortable to say the least. Some things are best left unmentioned between fathers and daughters. Beau sort of forced them into that with her big display of whatever it was she was trying to accomplish.

She starts texts but deletes them before she can send them. She spends more time than is probably healthy staring at Beau’s contact information in her phone but never presses the button. The thing is she has no idea what she wants to with this space. It’s the last thing she wanted after they slept together and now it’s where they’re stuck.

Part of telling Beau to wait is purely selfish. A childish instinct to try and make Beau feel even a fraction of how she felt when Beau didn’t call. An eye for an eye, space for space. She wants to gather her feelings in a little magic eight ball where the answer to all of her questions reveal themselves with one shake. If only life was that easy.

Not for the first time, Reani wishes Umi was still in town so she could have a shoulder to lean on. He wouldn’t exactly love giving advice on this whole situation but she knows that he’d at least help keep her occupied until she could figure out what she wants out of this. But he’s off on his big graduation trip adventure with his dad so she can’t begrudge him that. He’s been her shoulder to cry on through the last four years, she’s going to have to shed the comfort blanket at some point. The universe seems to be saying why not now.

Still, how dare he have a life in her personal time of need.

It’s times like these where she wishes she was the kind of person who had a bunch of close friends to confide in instead of putting all of her eggs in one basket. Or sleeping with the other viable options and by extension losing access to that set of friends as well. It’s not like she can reasonably expect Yasha or even Zuala to want to get involved in this. It would be asking too much and seem too much like asking them to take sides.

Is that where they’re at? Taking sides. Reani doesn’t have the faintest idea.

She spends time in the community garden, tending to the vegetables and watching the bees pollinate the flowers in full bloom. She makes lists and lists about those lists on what she needs to make the big move to Zadash. Then she double and triple checks those lists until she feels like she’s going to lose her mind. Anxiety thrums through her veins like a triple shot of espresso. The ensuing mania makes her feel like she’s going to crawl out of her skin.

All of these plans, all of these empty little things and still she’s no closer to a resolution. Because the fact of the matter is seeing Beau again in her slacks and her button down with flowers in her hand only served to remind Reani that she still wants her. Beau can sleep with her, leave her hanging, and all she has to do is show up once and Reani wants her.

It’s completely fucked. All Reani’s ever wanted is control. Control over her life and her choices. Control in her romantic relationships, something that hasn’t always been her choice. With Beau she feels like she’s out of control, it’s terrifying. With one moment, Beau brings up all of these emotions she’s never felt with anyone else. Reani’s not talking about love, she doesn’t think. She thinks back to Beau spitting vitriol and her pushing Beau in return. Nobody has ever brought her to the highest of highs while also being capable of drawing out such bursts of negatively slanted passion.

The space is killing her ability to accomplish anything fruitful so on the fourth day, she loses her self control completely.

The phone rings once, twice, a third time and Reani starts to think maybe this was a bad idea. She should have texted first like a normal person, made sure Beau would answer the phone before she called.

Reani’s on the verge of panic hanging up the phone. If Beau happens to see the missed call and calls back she can concoct the classic butt dial story and move on with their lives.

“Hey, what’s up?” Beau’s voice sounds sleep rough and groggy. Reani breaths a sign of relief, briefly, before panic sets in again.

“Did I wake you?” Nailed it, Reani. Voice didn’t even shake.

“Mhmm, hold on.” Reani hears the creak of the mattress and the shifting iron of Beau’s box spring. There’s a loud thump shortly followed by a string of soft curses. “Fuck, sorry, hit my head.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

Silence. “Um, did you sleep well?”

“Can’t complain too much.” Beau clears her throat. “Did you need something?”

There’s a yawn on the other end followed by a faint cracking sound. Beau’s neck, no doubt.

“Are you hungry?”

There’s a long pause, like Beau was expecting something else. Reani doesn’t blame her. One second she’s been told to wait, the next second she’s being asked if she’s hungry. This is what she gets for running head first into this call without a plan.

Finally Beau takes a deep breath. “I could eat.”

“Great!” She can feel the fake enthusiasm dripping from her voice, she hopes Beau isn’t savvy to it. “Cool. Is half an hour enough time to get ready?”

“That might be pushing it. Give me an hour?”

What’s another hour?

“I’ll see you then.”

***

Nicodranas doesn’t get that college town thing where post-graduation the city clears out. After all, underclassmen still have another week and half before they’re free for the summer. Tommaso’s is still packed with people by the time they get there. Reani doesn’t want to be in anything close to a quiet, intimate situation with Beau right now.

Though right about now Reani wishes they both didn’t know what they were ordering. She would kill for the idle, empty chatter that comes with restaurant line small talk. Beau’s got her hands shoved deep in her pockets and every time Reani gets too close she subtly shifts her body so there’s no chance of touching.

“Did you do anything fun over the weekend?” Beau keeps her eyes trained on the menu board like catching a glimpse of Reani would mean implosion. She was the same way in the car. Reani only made it halfway up the driveway before Beau walked out the door. Conversation during the drive was restricted to inquiries on the temperature and radio station. Beau barely even looked at her as she got into the car.

“Not really.” Reani follows her with the fake menu scanning, they might as well both play this game.

“Me neither.”

“That sucks, I guess.”

“Yeah.”

The line inches forward another foot.

And another foot.

“Watched any good shows recently?” There’s a girl in front of them who Reani recognizes from her senior seminar. She wonders if she can feel the awkward energy rolling off of the two of them in waves. “I just finished binging Game of Thrones.”

“Did you like it?”

“Really don’t get the hype and the ending was terrible. But it beats studying for finals so that’s a plus.”

“Oh that’s right, you still have to go to school.”

“Amazing, right? School doesn’t end just because we throw a big party for you seniors.”

“Can’t relate, too busy enjoying all my free time.” Reani cracks a small smile, Beau hesitantly joins her. It’s better than nothing.

The line inches forward.

“So have you?”

“Have I what?”

“Watched any good shows recently? You know, with all of that free time you have now.”

“Oh.” Reani thinks of the hours and hours and hours of Real Housewives she’s binged over the last few days. “No, not really.”

“Alright.”

They’re interrupted by the cashier who asks what she can get started for them. It’s a welcome relief.

Gyros, as it turns out, aren’t really a social food. Reani spends most of her time trying to make sure she doesn’t have tzatziki all over her face. Beau manages to make even eating a gyro seem graceful and effortless, the jerk.

Eating also gives them a much needed break from whatever was attempting to pass for polite conversation back there. They busy themselves stuffing their face as a mutually agreed upon impasse. Reani doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s next and Beau seems to be letting Reani lead.

Once they’re done Beau suggests they walk off their meal. Reani checks to make sure she still has time on her meter and adds another hour just in case. She’s not trying to get a ticket because she’s too cheap to pay an extra couple dollars to extend.

They walk mostly in silence, idle chatter here and there but nothing that amounts to much. It’s the type of day made for a walk. The air is heavy like it might rain later but that only brings out more of the birds from the trees. The plants seem to be reaching out for the sun like they know precipitation is on its way.

Tommaso’s sits on the main drag downtown. The part of town most heavily impacted by the recent beautification campaign from city council. The street is lined with freshly planted flowers and shrubs. A beautiful addition to the old tropical trees naturally occurring in the area. 

Finally they get to a small park with a few benches that are currently unoccupied. Beau sits down on one and clearly expects Reani to follow.

“So…” Beau trails off.

“So.” Reani folds her hands neatly into her lap.

“I guess I should apologize.” A bird starts chirping loudly directly above their heads. Beau picks at the cuticles on her thumbnail. “I know I should apologize, you know. That’s what I was trying to do but I fucked up on the timing of that.” A self deprecating laugh. “Timing isn’t really my strong suit, you know.”

Suddenly her shoes are the most interesting thing Beau’s ever seen. “I should have called. You deserved that much. I know that.”

Reani’s not sure if she should speak. Beau seems like she’s worked herself into decent conversational momentum, she’d hate to break that up.

“I’m a natural fuck up, I don’t know if you knew that. You kind of see the best in people, including me. But I’m much better at fucking things up than I’ve ever been at making them work.” Beau looks Reani in the eye. “Ask anyone, they’ll tell you.”

“I don’t think you’re a fuck up.”

“Hate to break it to you but you might be a terrible judge of character then.”

“Why do you have to be such an asshole anytime I suggest you might not be a terrible piece of shit who doesn’t deserve happiness?”

“Because newsflash: I’m an asshole. Sorry you’re the last person in the world to hear about it.”

“Then why bother showing up? You could have ghosted me, I’m leaving in three months. Why show up at my graduation with flowers looking like you’re sorry if the next time I talk to you you’re gonna act like this?” Reani stands up and starts to pace in front of the bench. At her sudden movement the birds in the tree above them startle and fly away. Beau looks like she might follow them. “I swear, do you even know what you want from one second to the next?”

This. This right here is what scares Reani more than anything. The way Beau gets her blood hot, makes her want to claw and yell until she sees reason. She’s the most frustrating and intoxication person Reani’s ever met.

“I don’t know what the fuck I want.” Beau buries her head in her arms, hiding her face. “I do what I want and figure it out later.”

“Does this feel figured out to you?”

Beau looks up. “It might be my greatest fuck up to date. A real hall of fame contender, first ballot.”

“Do you regret it?” Tears feel like they’re waiting in the wings. She can’t bare to look at Beau, afraid of seeing the answer she doesn’t want to hear on her face.

“No.” She feels Beau’s hands on her shoulders. Reani looks up to see that Beau is telling the truth. It’s all over her face. She looks distraught that Reani even asked. “No, of course not. That night was…” Beau trails off. Reani waits. “Well, you know. You were there too.”

She was but she’s not sure even now that she has the same idea in her head as Beau. Who could tell what Beau has going on in her head, maybe least of all Beau.

“So then what, can we be friends? Do you even want to be friends?” Reani wishes she was one of the birds, she wants to fly far away from this conversation. Up until this moment she never considered the fact that this could be it. When confronted with the idea of losing Beau completely she balks. “We don’t ever have to mention it again. I’ll forget all about it. See.” Reani makes the motion to zip her lips. “Night? What night? I can do it, I just don’t want to lose you. I want you in my life.”

“Reani, stop.” Beau’s hands haven’t moved from her shoulders, her thumbs rub comforting circles. The motion grounds Reani in reality, the panic swells back down to a manageable hum. “I don’t want to forget and I don’t want to lose you.”

“Then why are you acting like this? I feel like I’m talking to two different people at the same time.” Reani closes her eyes for a moment. “I can’t keep up.”

Beau takes one step closer, Reani can feel it even with her eyes closed. Her heart starts to beat like it’s gotten to order to pick up tempo, she can feel her pulse in the veins of her neck. How could they possibly be only friends when she can’t even be in Beau’s proximity without feeling like she’s going to have a heart attack?

“I don’t know what I want. That’s the truth. But I do know I can’t lose you.” She can feel Beau’s earnestness bleeding off of her. Reani feels it wrap around her like a warm hug. The hairs on her arm stand on end even though it’s far too hot for it to be from the cold.

God, even after all of the bullshit she wants Beau.

“What does that look like?”

“If I knew, I’d tell you.” Beau’s hands drop. She takes a step back.

Reani feels like she can breathe again.

There’s a bee that keeps trying to land on her shoulder, attracted by the vibrant yellow of her shirt. Reani leaves the poor bee alone, she empathizes with the fruitlessness of his actions. She feels the same way right now. 

“You’re leaving at the end of the summer.” Beau says after a prolonged silence.

“I know.”

“Can’t we have this summer?”

“For what, Beau. Have this summer for what? To be friends? I’d like to be your friend for longer than a summer.” Reani feels incredulous. This Beau or that Beau, they don’t even seem to agree with each other. 

Beau looks away and when she looks back the heat of her expression makes Reani feel like she’s dehydrated. She swallows hard on nothing.

Oh.

Oh.

That.

“So you want-“

“Yes.”

Reani doesn’t know how they went from I don’t know what I want to I want you for a summer. If she could film this conversation and watch it like a movie she would watch it over and over again until the tape broke and still not understand.

Her skin feels hot, she feels her brow to check if she’s suddenly sweating. Beau’s nothing if not unpredictable in the best and worst ways. One second Reani thinks they may never speak again and now?

Now Beau wants an encore. A summer of encores until what? Reani leaves and they go back to chatting about the weather and tv and Molly’s latest exploits? It seems improbable, it seems like there aren’t many worse ideas.

Reani wants to more than anything. It should scare her more than it does. To know that she’s willingly sticking her head into the mouth of a lion and asking it not to decapitate her. She’s setting herself on fire and asking gasoline to put out the flames.

It’s entire illogical. It shouldn’t be a thing in any way shape or form. She should open her mouth and say no. Why isn’t she opening her mouth to say no? Maybe it’s the heat of the day or the flex of Beau’s bicep rippling underneath a rare sleeve. Maybe she’s lost her mind, never to be recovered.

“Okay.” She feels her lips move, knows the word came from her mouth. Reani feels like she’s holding a remote control watching some disembodied version of her body make decisions. She’s at the wheel and yet she’s on autopilot.

All it takes is one of Beau’s smiles for Reani to forget all of the reasons why this will, no doubt, be one of the worst decisions she’s ever made.


	11. Chapter 11

“Are you sure we have everything?” She’s elbow deep in the trunk of her car, sifting through all of the various satchels of gear that Beau’s throw haphazardly inside. Apparently there’s a reason for every piece of equipment, some kind of order that’s apparent to Beau and Beau only. Reani would rather be sure before she subjects herself to three days out camping down by Raska Lake without, god forbid, toilet paper or toothpaste. She’s already agreed to tent camping versus cabin camping, she’s only got so many concessions she’s willing to give. “I can’t see my bag of toiletries, did you put it in with something else?”

This is Beau’s baby of a pet project, this post-graduation slash school’s out for the summer camping trip. For all of her appreciation of plants and flowers and all of natures beautiful gifts, Reani’s not really the rough and tumble one with the earth camping type. Beau, apparently, is one with the earth.

Reani’s not a fan of chaos, generally, but she’s accepted that Beau’s propensity to go with the flow seeps into everything she does. They don’t really have rules to this arrangement, which is probably a mistake but Reani can’t be forced to care. It was only a matter of days before their sojourn into a summer hookup turned into a matter of public knowledge. In a way, it’s a major relief considering Reani’s not the best at keeping secrets. She doesn’t want to be one and certainly doesn’t want to make Beau feel like one.

But once one of the lines blurred, so did everything else. Reani’s discovered that Beau tends to spend more time at Reani’s than she does at her own apartment. They eat meals together, go grocery shopping and meal plan, hold hands in public. It feels dangerously like their summer hookup is more of a summer relationship. 

Beau’s also discovered over the past couple of weeks that Reani is much more likely to agree to anything she asks for while they’re making out, odds only increased after sex. Reani keeps meaning to amend the situation, to be a little less agreeable, slightly less predictable but she can’t help the mush that Beau’s lips turn her brain into.

So she’s spent the last few days researching eco-friendly insect repellent and purchasing a memory foam air mattress off of the internet which thankfully arrived right on time. God help her, she’s not having sex on a bed of rocks with only a sleeping bag between her and the land. That’s where she draws the line.

“Beau?” Reani tries again when she gets no response. “Beau!” She puts a little more bass into her voice, maybe that’ll get her attention.

Beau’s head pops up over the backseat. “Stop freaking out, I put them in with the snacks.” She smirks. “Don’t you worry, princess, you’ll get to keep up your beauty routine.”

“It’s a hygiene routine, thank you.”

“Whatever you say,” Beau laughs. She disappears back behind the seat.

However infuriating Beau was before Reani agreed to see her over the summer she’s only increased tenfold. Only now instead of finding Beau’s infuriating tendencies properly annoying, Reani finds herself smiling more often than not when Beau gets on her nerves. It’s almost like Beau’s weird way of flirting is driving Reani absolutely crazy.

Truth be told, though it’s not her first choice Reani can’t help but be excited to be getting out of Nicodranas proper for a few days. She would have preferred a nice hotel in Trostenwald - days filled with brewery tours, nights filled with microbrews and the local farm-to-table restaurant scene. But Beau had her heart set on camping, rejecting Trostenwald as not worth the distance they’d have to drive to get there.

And Reani increasingly has her heart set on Beau.

So here they are, into the great wilderness they go.

***

Let history show that Reani wanted to use the GPS to find the exact location of their campsite from the parking lot down by the visitors center but Beau ‘knew the way’. Reani’s arms are tired from carrying her backpack and the coolers. Her voice is tired from all of the bickering. Beau claims they’re so close but after half an hour and passing certain trail markers more than once, Reani’s had enough.

She drops her backpack on the ground, finds a conveniently cut tree stump, crosses her arms and refuses to move a muscle.

“Reani, come one, I swear we’re getting so close.” Beau pleads, stubbornly refusing to put anything down even though Reani can see her muscles twitching clear as day. “I’m pretty sure if we walk north for about half a mile we’ll get there.”

Reani refuses to yield, she only feels her grumpiness grow. They could be drinking microbrews right now with a plush bed not getting thwacked in the arms by the same damn tree branches over and over and over again.

“Oh yeah,” Reani snipes. “Just out of curiosity which way is north. We’ve gone at least three separate norths. I’m using my phone.”

“But I got it,” Beau protests weakly.

“And if I have to walk too much longer that’s the only thing you’ll be getting tonight.” Reani opens the GPS on her phone and inputs the coordinates they were given at the visitors center. Like she should have done in the first damn place.

Beau helpfully keeps her mouth shut once Reani gathers up her things and starts to lead them in the correct direction through the trail. It only takes fifteen minutes for them to reach their campsite which, really, couldn’t have been more obvious if it tried to be. Beau has the decency to look embarrassed that she led them on a wild goose chase but Reani doesn’t have it in her to hold it against her.

She won’t admit it, not until Beau’s done a decent amount of groveling but the site is gorgeous. Situated at the top of a hill overlooking the northern pier on Raska Lake. They’re surrounded by tall green trees on three sides giving them seclusion and privacy. There’s a small hole dug out for a fire pit as well as an old rusted over black charcoal grill. Reani can’t help but let her smile take over her face.

Beau reads her expression regardless. “Pretty awesome, huh? Totally worth using the scenic route.” She kisses Reani before she can protest that getting lost does not qualify as a scenic route but Beau’s smartly gotten her distance again. “Come on, I’m gonna teach you how to set up a tent.”

She’s glad there’s nobody with them when they’re setting up the tent. Beau claims it’s easy but Reani would like her to tell that to the damn poles that keep collapsing only when she tries to feed them through the loops. Somehow they work just fine for Beau which has to be a conspiracy of some kind. But at the end of it all she gets to watch Beau’s arms as she dutifully hammers the stakes into the ground, fastening their tent in place.

Before long, the exhaustion of a travel day and taking the scenic route starts to take over. Beau disappears into the forest while Reani rests her eyes on the air mattress inside of the tent. The next thing she knows she smells smoke and something delicious wafting through into the tent.

Outside the tent, Beau’s got her back to the tent tending to the fire. Reani takes a moment to admire Beau stoking the flames with a stick as she carefully tends to the grill she’s fashioned over the fire. It looks like she’s gotten two small steaks on the grill with some pieces of zucchini and squash sliced in half.

“Smells delicious,” Reani says, sitting right next to Beau on the log she’s using as seating. She peers over the fire, getting a closer look at the food. “Looks even better.”

Beau’s eyes are soft when she smiles, the light blue of her eyes reflecting the flecks of red in the fire. She blushes, rosy color sitting high on her cheeks. “I figured we’d eat something special tonight. I know camping isn’t exactly your first choice.” She pauses and mumbles. “I wanted to make it nice for you.”

Reani wraps her arms around Beau’s midsection. Her chin rests in the space where Beau’s neck meets her shoulders. She leaves soft butterfly kisses on the top of Beau’s shoulder. It’s easier, somehow, when they’re all alone like this to let the tenderness she feels for Beau seep in. “I love it.”

Beau’s smile brightens. “Good.”

She releases Beau moments after that so Beau can continue cooking. Reani can’t help but keep watching her though. They’ve haven’t even been gone twelve hours but Beau’s so much more relaxed in the wild. She wonders how Beau even got into camping, she knows enough of Beau’s background to assume it wasn’t a regular part of her childhood. Reani wants to ask but she doesn’t want to interrupt the calm that’s washed over Beau. She likes her like this, she’s not trying to prove anything to anyone. And outside of her stubbornness to use directions, which Reani assumes was more of a failed attempt to try and impress her than any bravado - it’s just nice, is all.

If Reani didn’t see the food prepared over an open fire with her own eyes, she would assume it was from a nice restaurant. She didn’t think that Beau could cook outside of being Reani’s sous chef the few times they’ve cooked together.

“Where did you learn how to cook like this?”

Beau laughs.

“I grill, I don’t cook. First off.” She moves closer and wraps her arm around Reani’s waist. She leans in to whisper in Reani’s ear. “If I’d known you were this easily impressed I would have made you a steak so much sooner.” She nips Reani’s earlobe as she leans back, Reani can feel Beau’s low rumbling laugh through her own body as she shivers from the contact.

“I didn’t realize there was a difference.”

“Cooking is science, to me, but grilling? Grilling is an art form.” Beau sighs wistfully like she’s just been waiting for someone to finally ask her about the virtues of cooking food over an open fire. “The seasonings, finding the right rubs. Getting the perfect grill marks and color on the inside.” She makes a chefs kiss motion with her fingers that aren’t on Reani’s hip. “Perfection.”

Reani laughs. “I didn’t realize you were such a grilling buff.”

Beau looks at her, more serious than the conversation warrants. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

Reani feels her throat go dry. She swallows hard on nothing.

More terrifying than the reaction of her body is that she finds that she wants to know everything.

She claps her hands together and stands suddenly. “How about s’mores? I’ll go get the s’mores bag, I’ll be back.” Reani darts off to the tent, only looking back once to see Beau giving her a quizzical look.

Good. Better confused than knowing.

***

The next morning Beau wakes her up at the crack of dawn. Reani protests, she doesn’t even think the birds are awake yet but Beau insists it’s imperative they get an early start. Reani compromises that if she’s going to be awake for the sun, she gets to go down to the visitors center and wash up.

Beau agrees to the compromise and even lets Reani use her GPS again to make sure it’s a straight shot. The facilities aren’t extensive but it’s enough to make them both feel fresh. On the way back Beau stops by the car to grab two fishing rods and her tackle box. Out of all the parts of camping, this was the part Reani needed the most convincing to actually participate in.

Beau assured her that most of the fish they’d catch and release and they would only keep enough for them to eat that night. If there’s any greater indication that Reani’s in way too deep, it’s the fact that she’d actually gotten her fishing license for this. A fishing license. Reani. Umi had laughed so hard when she told him that she eventually hung up on him and wouldn’t pick back up until he formally texted his, very insincere, apology.

She draws the line at touching worms though.

By the time the sun breaks the horizon, Beau’s got them set up down by the shore. Reani busies herself eating the peanut butter and jelly sandwich she’d made for breakfast while Beau checks the fishing line inside each rod and hooks up a tackle to the end of her rod and a bobber to the end of Reani’s.

“Is that really necessary?” Reani takes another bite of her sandwich. Content to question from the sidelines while Beau does all of the hard work. “I thought that’s what the worms were for.”

Beau sighs, looking up briefly from where her deft fingers work on tying tiny tiny knots. “It helps attract the fish, Rean. Hey, come hold this rod for me real quick. I need another set of hands.”

Reani hastily finishes her last bite and goes over to help. She holds the rod as loosely as she can while still calling it holding. Instead she takes in Beau’s entire outfit. If Reani wasn’t completely sure she was attracted to every facet of Beau, this would test the limits of that attraction. It’s not the khaki pants, no, those accentuate Beau’s muscular thighs in a pleasing way. Nor is it the short sleeve shirt that proclaims ‘Sofishticated’ with a goldfish wearing a top hat, that’s just funny. It’s the unbuttoned tan vest draped over the shirt with what has to be 20 pockets filled with who knows what.

A vest so heinous that if Reani saw it on anyone else she’d be begging for it to be burned. But on Beau it’s goofy and endearing, a further peek into this rich inner life that Beau’s been keeping under lock and key. What it says about Reani that Beau feels comfortable dropping this much of her walls, she doesn’t want to interrogate too closely.

“And done! You can let go now.” Beau takes the rod from her and holds it up for further inspection. When she’s seemingly satisfied she holds the one with the bobber out for Reani to take. “I think we’re ready to go. You excited?”

“More than anything.”

Beau shakes her head. “Alright, bring it here I’ll hook your worm and then you’re ready to go.”

Reani hands over the rod. She wrings her hand and weighs how embarrassing it’ll be to admit that she hasn’t the slightest idea how to actually use the fishing rod.

“Beau.”

“Hmm.”

“How do I do it?”

Beau looks up from feeding a still squiggly worm over the hook. “Oh shit.”

“Never mind!” Reani reaches for the rod but Beau pulls it just out of her grasp. “I’ll figure it out.”

“No no no,” Beau’s got mischief written all over her face, mixed with a fondness that makes Reani want to look directly into the sun. “I should’ve known. C’mere,” She walks down to the edge of the lake beckoning Reani to follow her. She places the rod in Reani’s hands and moves to stand behind her, mirroring her body with Reani’s. She places her hands over Reani’s, manipulating so their pointer fingers are grasping a trigger on the bottom. “You push this down. Hold it when you pull the rod over your shoulder.” Beau presses down the button for the both of them and guides the rod back behind them, careful not to get the hook tangled on them. “And then,” She situates her body even closer to Reani’s, giving her more control. “We throw the rod forward and let it go.”

Beau jerks the rod forward and lets go of their fingers at the top of the arc. The line casts out of the rod with a pleasing zip and lands with a plop in the water. Reani drops her hold on the rod as she jumps with excitement. “I did it!” She turns in Beau’s arms and captures her lips. Beau sinks into the kiss as she keeps a hold on the rod over Reani’s shoulder. She feels Beau’s left hand sink into her back left pocket as they forget themselves on the edge of the lake.

She doesn’t know how long they might have stood there because suddenly she feels Beau pull away from her. Reani feels drunk on Beau’s touch, eyes closed, chasing the absence.

“Turn around and grab on, we’ve got a tug!” Beau seems like she’s vibrating with unchecked energy. “Babe, come on, you’ve got your first fish.”

As exciting as Reani’s sure that is she’s still stuck on Beau calling her babe. It takes her a second to shake that down into the ever growing process later file. “Okay!” Reani forces herself to put her hands back on the rod. Really Beau’s still guiding the show but Reani wants to feel involved, it seems important all of a sudden in a way she could have never predicted. “What do I do?”

Beau talks her through the process of reeling the fish in. Teaches her how to ebb and flow with the pressure so she doesn’t snap the fiberglass, when to real and when to pull using her own strength. It’s not that big of a fish so it’s not the most effort but it still takes about a minute to reel in her first catch. Once it pops out of the water, Reani steps back and lets Beau take complete control. She will do a lot of things for Beau but she’s not touching a fish.

Still, Beau anchors the rod into the ground and makes Reani take a picture with her first catch ever. Reani keeps as much distance as she possibly can and makes Beau unhook the poor fish and throw it back into the lake as soon as possible.

Beau pulls her in once the fish is safely returned to the water. “I’m so proud of you.” She kisses Reani who wishes, not for the first time, that they could spend this entire trip in their tent. Though Beau is full outdoors mode is pretty cute all things considered.

They spend hours down by the lake, fishing and talking about random things in between casts. Reani gets bored after a while, leaving the heavy duty fishing for dinner responsibilities to Beau. There’s something primal about seeing Beau take over and providing food for them that’s not a turn on Reani ever expected but here she is.

It’s less appealing to see Beau take out a knife to debone and clean the fish for grilling. Reani busies herself chopping vegetables and preparing corn for grilling. She watches Beau carefully ensure there’s no bones left in either of the bass filets.

By the time they get the food over the fire, the sun is creeping back behind the trees. The sky taken over by a gorgeous mix of pinks and reds and yellows.

Reani sits between Beau’s legs. “It really is pretty out here.”

Beau kisses the top of Reani’s head. “Yeah.”

They eat their meal as the stars start to dominate the sky. It takes Reani back to the lookout point, the first time she thought Beau might kiss her. She remembers thinking Beau was vulnerable then, telling her about her baby brother and her parents. Reani remembers thinking she could be satisfied with that moment and that moment only.

She watches Beau take care to clear all of their food, watches as she disappears down the trail to dispose of the scraps.

What a fool.

The moon takes over the night sky by the time Beau returns. Reani absently pushes the logs around in the fire until she’s satisfied with the warmth.

Beau takes her spot behind Reani, wrapping her arms tight. With anyone else Reani would feel suffocated but with Beau she feels safe. She’s not sure that’s smart but she’s ceded control to her baser instincts. Beau’s quiet for a long time. Content to take in the sounds of the breeze rustling the leaves in the trees, different animals calling out to each other in the woods. Her breathing is so even and measured that Reani wonders if she’s somehow fallen asleep. She wouldn’t blame her, they’ve had quite the day.

“Tell me a secret,” Beau says so softly Reani thinks she must have imagined it at first. “Something you haven’t told anyone else.”

“What?” Reani responds dumbly.

“I wanna know something about you that nobody else knows.”

Reani laughs nervously. “You building a blackmail file on me or what?”

“Seriously,” Reani can feel the vibrations of Beau’s voice through her back. She closes her eyes because Beau can’t see them anyone.

“I’m a pretty boring person,” Reani protests.

“I don’t believe that for a second.” There’s a note in Beau’s voice that Reani hasn’t heard since that night in her car.

Silence hangs between them. Reani breaks it. “If I tell you something, will you tell me something?”

She can hear Beau thinking, weighing the worth of secret for a secret.

Finally. “Deal.”

“Ok,” Reani breathes out in one long gasp of air. Her heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest. If she wasn’t sure she was young and in impeccable shape she’d be worried about a heart attack. The whomp whomp whomp of her heart beats so hard against her chest she’s worried Beau can feel it.

Beau joins their hands together, pulls their joined hands up to her lips and kisses them - once, twice, three times before she rests them still joined on Reani’s stomach.

“You first,” Beau says.

Reani doesn’t know what compels her to go to the deepest well. Maybe because it’s been on her mind since Landon’s visit, since their visit to the shipyard. In the back of her mind always, an unwelcome terrifying distraction. “You know I’m adopted, right?” She can feel Beau hum behind her. “I never met my dad but my mom told me stories. She told me he was a sailor and he was lost at sea, that’s why he never came back. She couldn’t take care of me after that so she gave me up. That’s when Landon adopted me.” Beau’s arms tighten around her. “When he was here for graduation we went down to the shipyards, I’ve been thinking about him ever since. I can’t stop thinking that maybe he’s out there and she’s out there too somewhere.” Reani can feel a tear forming, she does everything to push it back. “I want to know what happened to both of them, you know.” She breaks off, looking down.

“It’s okay,” Beau reassures. “I’ve got you.”

“I was born in Nicodranas, did you know that?” Beau mutters no. “Only Umi knows but he doesn’t know I searched for my mom, couldn’t find her but I did.” Reani gets quiet, she doesn’t know where this avalanche of words is coming from. She doesn’t have any reason to trust Beau with them except for something deep inside of her that is certain she can. “What if they’re both out there? Alive but they didn’t want me.” Reani doesn’t stop the tears this time. Beau disentangles their hands when she feels the first teardrop hit their hands. She reaches up and clears Reani’s cheeks. “I’ve never said that out loud before.” Reani says quietly.

Beau rests her head on Reani’s shoulder. She doesn’t say anything for a while, she doesn’t need to. Reani can’t explain it, she feels what Beau’s trying to say to her through her touch. The way she’s almost cradling Reani in her arms, so gently like Reani’s the most precious thing in the world.

She lets Reani cry in her arms, soft tears nothing reaching full body sobs but enough that Beau keeps wiping tears from her cheeks. After a few minutes, Reani starts to sniffle feeling the tears come to an end. Beau kisses the side of her forehead and whisper nonsense comforts in her ear as she comes down.

Reani joins their hands again. Beau releases a deep breath.

“I don’t think anyone would really like me if they knew the real me so I’ve never let someone see who I really am,” Beau says, barely above a whisper. “Nobody.” Beau’s leg starts to jitter at Reani’s side like she’s resisting the urge to run, even now. “Not Jester, not Fjord, Caleb, nobody.” She laughs but nothing is funny. “You scare the fuck out of me.”

That shocks Reani so much she turns around in Beau’s grip, settling uncomfortably on her knees. “I scare you?”

“It never bothered me before, or whatever, it bothered me but I could live with it, you know. I grew up thinking and being told I was a piece of shit anyway, might as well be a piece of shit. Be the best piece of shit anyone has ever seen.” Beau looks away, ashamed. “I’m the life of the party, I’ve fucked so many girls on campus it’s like the six degrees of Beau at this point but it never bothered me until you called me a fuckboy.” Beau looks into Reani’s eyes. “They all joke about it, my friends. ‘Beau gets so much ass.’ ‘That’s just Beau, she’s abrasive.’ “Oh Beau? She doesn’t take anything seriously.’ But you,” Beau cuts offs.

Reani reaches out to lift her chin, trails her fingers down Beau’s neck to rest on her shoulders.

“I want you to know me, like really know me,” Beau says finally. “And it scares the shit out of me.”

Reani leans in to kiss Beau, without expectation of it going anywhere else. She wants Beau to feel close to her without thinking she wants something more. She stands up from where her knees were starting to go numb, holds her hand out to help Beau stand. She leads them back to the tent, fastening the door and leading them to the bed.

She settles on her back and gently pulls Beau to rest on top of her. Allows herself to feel the weight of Beau’s body on hers. Beau looks down on her with wonder like she’s not entirely sure she can say what she said and receive this kind of response. Reani kisses her anywhere she can reach: on her lips, her cheek, down her neck, and moving to her clavicles. She’s going nowhere in particular other than wanting Beau to feel her.

It’s the first time they fall asleep next to each other without having sex first.

She wakes up with Beau curled tightly around her like something in her sleep told her Reani was going to bolt if she didn’t. Reani kisses the inside of Beau’s forearm and falls back asleep, determined not to think about it too hard.


	12. Chapter 12

If hard pressed Reani will admit that there’s everything before the lake and everything that comes after. Not only in the obvious way that you can never go back in time but something fundamental changes in a way that feels like neither of them have control. It simply is.

At least in private.

Reani’s never had cause to notice before just how different public Beau is to the Beau that Reani sees when they’re alone together. She’s as yet undecided whether it makes her feel special that she sees a side of Beau nobody else gets or if she’s deeply concerned that Beau can maintain this sort of public/private division.

There’s no reason to worry too hard about it. This is only for the summer and then they go their separate ways. That’s her internal mantra, the only thing that gives her a semblance of sanity as she feels her heart being drawn closer and closer to Beau every moment they spend together. This war between what her head knows is right and want her heart wants is starting to exhaust Reani.

Only more so as she starts to wonder whether Beau is someone she needs to protect her heart from. Not her private Beau, not the sensitive and intelligent not to mention incredibly open Beau. Reani’s heart can’t find more than a few reasons why she’s danger. It’s everything else. The fronts, the quick switches, the fact that Reani has no business getting into a serious relationship when she’s trying to move forward with her life.

Was she really lying to Fen when she said she didn’t want to be tied down if she immediately starts to do the exact same thing with Beau? With every passing day Reani starts to hear what she was really saying, it’s not that she didn’t want to be tied down - she didn’t want to be tied down to Fen.

The guilt chews her up inside.

Beau mumbles in her sleep, turning abruptly flopping her arm across Reani’s chest. Reani releases a long held breath. They’re supposed to be living in the moment but Reani’s not very good at the moment. It’d be easier if it felt like she wanted more than what Beau was willing to give.

She looks over at Beau, her hair down and laying flat over most of her face. Reani resists the urge to tuck it behind Beau’s ear. As fitful as she sleeps it’s not worth the momentary satisfaction of being able to see Beau’s face.

They’d fallen asleep streaming old mixed martial arts fights that Beau has rank ordered from the best she’s ever seen to the ones that are just okay. It’s another one of the dangerous ways Beau’s letting Reani into her inner world. Breaking down the fights the way she sees them, pointing out places where the fighters could have done something different, pointing out what Beau would have done if she was in their shoes.

The passion she’d shown, the knowledge she’d given to Reani who has absolutely zero interest in fighting past the love Beau clearly has for the sport. It seems impossible to not fall in love. It’s getting harder to not be in love. When she was younger and she would get into a mess of her own making Landon would always tell her she’s made her bed and now she has to lay in it.

Those words have never felt more literal.

***

“Why are we going to a pool party at Jester’s complex when there’s literally a whole beach out there?”

“It’s the novelty, the chaos, you know. Jester.” At Reani’s blank look. “The irony of having a beach themed pool party when the beach is right there is sort of the whole point.”

Reani throws her hands up. “I give up.” Beau gives her a look. “You know I love Jester but…”

“You roll with it when it comes to Jester.” Beau looks up from her dresser. Half of the clothes from her bottom drawer are on the floor behind her. Reani doesn’t have the slightest idea of what she’s looking for but she’s been doing it for a while. “Why don’t you go get changed?”

“What are you looking for?”

“The good shit.” Beau deadpans, looking back into the dresser.

With Beau that could mean any number of things, Reani’s learning to let go and let it play out. It’s easier that way.

“Okay.” Reani drive by ruffles Beau’s hair on the way to the bathroom, barely dodging the retaliatory swat. She’s braiding the top before they go so she doesn’t feel so guilty. Beau’s little pout is cute enough to be worth it.

An hour later, armed with two thirty packs of beer that Beau insists upon carrying on her shoulders like a good bro as well as a satchel that Reani’s offered to carry to make sure Beau doesn’t kill herself trying to be tough they make the walk to Jester’s. It’s only a couple of blocks, they could have driven but given the thirty packs and whatever the good shit is, Reani thought it was smarter to plan to ride share home.

Jester doesn’t so much greet them as the sheer enormity of the pool party signals them to their arrival like a giant road flare.

“I thought this was supposed to be a casual group hang?” Reani sees at least 50 people surrounding the pool party as well as another 10 to 20 hanging out in the weights area.

“Yeah,” Beau trails off. “Jester sort of tells everyone she talks to that week when she hosts things. It could be 10, it could be 100. You never know.” She perks up when she sees Fjord pressed against the far wall. “Hey, Fjord’s here. If you’re overwhelmed he usually is too.”

Reani shakes her head. “I’ll stick by you but let’s go say hi.”

Beau takes them on a detour to pack the beers into a massive set of coolers brimming with a mixture of partially melted ice and cool water. She absently takes Reani’s hand once hers are free. Reani can’t help the initial rush of warmth that floods her chest. The casual act of Beau not thinking twice before claiming her at a big gathering like this.

They didn’t really talk about it. A troubling theme Reani keeps meaning to address but keeps getting distracted. But like everything else this summer, it seems to flow freely. Their instincts carry them to a comfortable place that it took over a year for Reani to reach with Fen.

She shakes off the thought. She’s got to stop comparing the two. What she’s doing with Beau has no business being compared with a relationship. It’s not a relationship.

Maybe if she tells her brain another million times she might start to believe what she’s saying.

“Reani!” Fjord pulls her into a hug, looking relieved to see her. “Finally, sanity has arrived.”

“What about me, asshole?” Beau frowns.

“I stand by my lack of comment.” Fjord holds the smug look for only a moment before he breaks out into laughter, dragging Beau into his arms as well. “Though you’ve been surprisingly sane lately.” He gives Reani a not-so-subtle look that doesn’t nothing to calm her internal war.

Beau punches him in the arm in response. “Whatever bro.”

Fjord gives Reani a look, she shrugs.

“I’m getting drinks,” Beau blurts out. “Beer?” Reani nods, why not? Beau points at Fjord. “You need a top up?”

“Sure,” He playfully pushes Beau away. “Serve me.”

“Not with that attitude!” Beau yells as she backs away before turning and half jogging over to the cooler.

Reani’s left alone with Fjord which isn’t the worst place to be. He’s up there with Yasha and Caduceus as far as Beau’s general set of friends when it comes to being relatively chill people. Speaking of. “Is Yasha coming?”

“Doubt it,” Fjord says. “She said something about date night, I’m not sure. I mute that group chat.” He shudders. “It borders on unholy.”

Reani allows the silence to settle. She imagines as the night wears on she’ll have to do a lot of interacting. Might as well rest up for that inevitability. She takes the opportunity to partake in one of her favorite pastimes - people watching.

For the most part it seems like there’s a decent mix of people she’s seen around campus and townies she’s seen at other events. Not the creepy townies who show up where they’re not wanted but graduates who’ve stuck around town to work for the most part. She doesn’t recognize everyone but enough people that she starts to feel a little bit more comfortable.

That lasts about a minute before she picks Beau out of a crowd.

Is she allowed to be jealous? Is that a part of this agreement? To this point they’ve been exclusive but did they negotiate exclusivity? Well, now that she’s letting her mind think about everything how does she know they’ve been exclusive?

She’s been exclusive. And maybe if she was thinking rationally she could see that her complete monopoly of Beau’s time would make it near impossible for her to be sleeping with anyone else.

But there’s a woman who Reani vaguely recognizes, couldn’t pull her name from a hat with two choices but she knows the face. She’s seen the face attached to Beau’s face. Now her hands are on Beau’s shoulder, her bicep, now her forearm pulling her closer. Reani vaguely hears Landon’s voice in the back of her head yelling at her about frowning but she couldn’t give a fuck.

Any second now Beau will push her away, walk back with Reani’s beer, and then Reani can go back to being a rational person with a rational amount of security in her…situationship.

“You good?” She snaps her neck in Fjord’s direction having completely forgotten his presence.

“Yeah,” Reani says with her eyes still trained on Beau.

She can hear Fjord start and stop a few words before he pauses. He puts his hand on her shoulder gently. “Come on, I know where Jester hides the good sweets.”

Reani lets Fjord turn her away and walk her to Jester’s apartment where he delivers on his promise of good sweets. Reani allows one decadent donut while she attempts to run through the list of why it’s irrational for her to be fuming. It’s actually a pretty short list that starts and ends with no matter how much you act like it or how many sweet words she says in private you aren’t actually in a relationship.

Irrefutable arguments are made.

Reani goes back out to the pool party determined to not give a fuck.

***

That lasts about as long as it takes for the party to dwindle over the next couple of hours down to less than 20 people packed into Jester’s apartment. Once the bugs started coming out and Jester realized the one thing she forgot to get was bug repellent torches, most of the crowd realized that there is really a beach right there.

But a persistent few stick around for the after dark hours of the party.

It doesn’t take Beau long to drag out the good shit, which, is to the surprise of nobody - drugs.

Some really dank weed, to be exact.

“How does your whole room not smell like this?” Reani asks softly.

“There’s like ten of those little smell killer balls that go in shoes in that drawer.”

“Huh.”

Jester emerges from her room with a long, cylindrical pipe that looks like a train whistle.

“Thomas the Dank Engine!” Beau pops up to take the pipe from Jester with reverence that seems inappropriate for an, admittedly, beautiful piece of blown glass.

Reani leans into Caduceus. “Thomas the Dank Engine?”

“Every truly reputable piece needs a name. It’s only right.” Caduceus nods like that’s the only answer that’s possible to that question and goes back into his own world.

It’s not like this is Reani’s first time smoking. She doesn’t do it regularly but when the occasion comes around she’s not going to say no either. She sits patiently as the circle tightens up based on people opting out and heading to different parts of the apartment to get into different kinds of trouble.

Unfortunately, for the petulant bout of jealousy Reani’s battling with Beau’s admirer isn’t one to fuck off. No matter how many times Reani’s mentally willed her to fuck off. Can’t seem to take a psychic hint.

Also her name is Abby.

So fuck her twice.

While Reani’s been distracted, Beau’s packed the first bowl into Thomas. She takes the ceremonial first hit and with a whoop of delight - as well as a few coughs - she passes Thomas to Reani with the lighter.

Reani gets a wonderful idea. She hasn’t done this since she was a Freshman but hey, if you’re going to be juvenile might as well do it in the fun ways too. She nudges Beau’s thigh, Beau looks at her with barely constrained wonder.

She lights the bowl, taking a healthy drag. Then, before she can lose her nerve or choke on the smoke she brings Beau close to shotgun the hit with her. Grabbing the back of her head and kissing her at the end of the shared hit. There’s hoops and hollers in the background but all Reani focuses on is the way Beau kisses her. Like she didn’t know Reani had it in her and is delighted with the development.

When Reani pulls back, Beau attempts to chase her lips but Reani stops her with a finger on her lips and a head shake. “Don’t be greedy.”

Beau pins her with a heady look. Reani passes Thomas and the lighter off to Caduceus without taking her eyes off of Beau.

Thomas makes it around the circle three times before Beau packs a new bowl to start the train over again. Reani feels her head floating deeper and deeper into her pleasure center as the weed does its job.

She relishes in the fact that Abby keeps trying to get Beau’s attention but it’s like the only person who exists in the whole room is Reani. Apparently weed is the bifrost between public Beau and private Beau.

Beau’s practically in her lap, nuzzling against Reani’s neck. Playing with the top buttons of her pool cover up. Reani doesn’t bother to swat Beau’s hands away like she might normally. There’s a primal sense that she wants everyone to see what she does to Beau. That Beau is hers.

***

Reani gathers her senses enough to get them back to her apartment.

Beau’s on her immediately once the door is closed, pressing Reani back into the door in a mimicry of the first time they had sex.

Reani pushes her away slowly, giving them distance. Beau looks so dopey and flushed, she might do anything Reani says to get back to kissing her.

“I don’t want you to be with anybody else.”

Beau looks to her left and her right. “I don’t see anyone else.”

Reani takes a step closer.

Beau swallows hard. Her tongue darts out to wet her lips.

One step closer. Beau’s taller but Reani feels her presence looming over Beau’s. “You know exactly what I mean.”

Beau nods slowly.

“As long as we’re doing this, you’re with me and only me.”

Her rational brain is screaming at her to stop giving her cards away. To keep some sort of power over this but Reani is all urges and wants and the need to have Beau all to herself for however long she can keep her.

Beau takes a step forward, her hand on Reani’s hip, pulling their bodies flush. She leans down to touch their foreheads together. Not for the first time that night they share the same breath. “Only you.”

Beau crosses the final distance to kiss them both off of a cliff.

Falling further and further and further.


	13. Chapter 13

It feels like everybody in the city is holding their breath as the summer wears on and the rains trickle in. When the monsoon finally hits, it hits hard. She and Beau sprint all the way back from the park, drenched by the time they reach Reani’s place.

“I could wring out my shirt and fill a bucket, probably,” Beau says as they slam the door behind them.

“Please don’t.”

“Obviously.”

Reani sees Beau worrying her hands at the bottom of her shirt like it’s not so obvious and maybe she really wants to wring out her shirt to see how much water’s logged.

“At least do it in the bath tub,” Reani resigns knowing she’s as yet been incapable of deterring Beau from the things she really wants to do.

“You’re the best.” Beau lightly taps Reani’s cheeks as she jogs towards the bathroom, dripping water the whole way.

“I really am,” Reani says to the air.

Her own clothes get carefully removed at the front door and transported directly to the washing machine. She won’t run the load quite yet, Beau will want her stuff washed too. Reani knows she hates the way clothes smell when they’re rained on and left to dry.

Those are the types of things Reani knows off the top of her head now.

“Come look!” Beau yells from the bathroom.

Reani walks over, leans against the door jamb in her bra and panties waiting for Beau to notice her state of undress over whatever water related phenomenon she’s discovered. Beau doesn’t look up, not right away.

“I pulled the drain, look how much water.” Still not looking up. “That’s ridiculous, it’s coming down hard. Hey, do you wanna order food? I’m starving, I’m talking eat a whole pizza by myself starving out here. Mmm, yep, pizza sounds good.” She looks up and trails off whatever was coming out of her mouth. “Later. Definitely later.”

***

Later turns in to too late to order food from anywhere with food fit for consumption by the human body. Reani’s learned all too well the dangers of places that deliver until 3am.

Beau’s returned from the kitchen with a TV tray they’d bought doing an appetizer run through the big box store. Come for the free samples, stand in line for half an hour to buy a set of TV trays. Balanced on the tray is a mixing bowl full of marshmallowy cereal, a measuring cup filled with milk, and on the side, a chocolate bar, and a bunch of cut up red peppers on a paper towel.

“You know I have actually plates and bowls.”

“We need to do the dishes.”

Reani thinks about how much they’ve been eating takeout fooling themselves into thinking it counted as cooking as long as they put it into real dishes. And then getting otherwise distracted once it was time to actually clean up. Aka adulting.

Beau seems to have taken nobody else to mean we spend every available moment together. Reani won’t complain about something she had all the conviction to establish in the first place. She’s reached the fuck it phase. All she’s done this entire time is hem and rationalize and turn this into a transaction of how much is pain worth it to keep things going.

Somehow she’d let circumstances convince her that she could have half of anything and be satisfied with that. What was she trying to prove? That she was stronger than the attraction that’s consumed most of her summer. That she was somehow capable, pretend evolved enough to keep one part of her heart in a different box than the other.

Is it worth it to hold back on something that could be everything because she’s scared it might be? What’s the worst that could happen? Love isn’t a punishment, even if she feels like she didn’t expect this to ever happen again. Certainly not so soon.

Does that say something awful about her?

Does it mean she loved Fen any less if she can immediately see her somewhere loving Beau even more. Already. How can she reconcile the guilt she should be feeling? Is it wrong to be someone’s one, the person they want to build a life with and not be there? Only to hop right out of that situation and realize it’s not that she didn’t want to build, she didn’t want to build with them. Couldn’t she have loved Fen enough to feel safe being only content.

It’s not possible. In the woods Beau told her that Reani scared the shit out of her. All due respect to Beau, but it can’t be half as much as Beau scares the shit out of Reani. There’s feeling and then there’s having and then there’s feeling and having Beau. She couldn’t feel more powerful if she plugged her body into a generator.

She doesn’t want to feel too much but it feels inevitable. As inevitable as the prescribed end to this story, where Reani goes off to Zadash and maybe they go so far as to try and keep it going. Then Beau gets back to classes and Reani worries all the time hundreds of miles away that maybe tonight is the night where Beau needs something physical again and she can’t be there.

Mistrust. Fights. Starting to wince when the phone rings, when the text tone goes off.

Distance.

And then what? Reani knows that she’s in love, she doesn’t know where Beau is other than trying. Losing that? Reani knows she’s in love with Beau but more than anything she knows that she wants Beau in her life no matter what. If they let it get to that mud slinging they couldn’t still be friends. Reani can’t lose her.

If that means she has to be the one to put a hard stop to this at the end of the summer, so be it. She has to make the choice that keeps Beau in her life for as long as possible.

Even if it breaks both of their hearts.

Reani can do pain for as long as it takes. Take her love and mold it back into an appropriate shape for as long as she needs until it doesn’t hurt anymore. That’s the way they stay.

“Anyone home?” Beau lightly nudges Reani, careful to not spill in their bed.

“Hmm,” Reani looks at Beau. Reani snaps out of it, grabbing the chocolate bar for something to occupy her hands. “Are you trying to put us both into a sugar coma?” She unwraps the chocolate bar and breaks off a segment to pop in her mouth. She may or may not moan as the chocolate melts in her mouth, it’s the good high quality expensive chocolate she usually doesn’t indulge in but Beau likes to throw things in carts.

Beau pins her with a knowing look.

“Not that I’m complaining…” Reani trails off. Looks at Beau and wonders how she’s planning to let this go. Is she stupid for thinking that she has to? Maybe they can be that one couple to defy the odds.

That’s assuming Beau even wants to defy the odds. After all, she said for the summer. What if Reani does all of this rationalizing only to realize that Beau really meant it. It’s not beyond a shadow of a doubt for Beau to be capable of extreme amounts of compartmentalization. Reani does not put it past her.

The thing to do would be to ask. Talk. Communicate. But with communication comes certainty, yes or no. One way or the other. As long as the answer is fitted neatly in an unopened box they can move side by side down this road together. Open that box?

Maybe she won’t like what comes out.

And then what?

Every time she feels like she’s coming close to a solution another thing comes around to knock her back to square one.

“You know,” She feels Beau nudging against her. “When I said I was gonna fuck your brains out I didn’t think I was being literal.” Reani feels her face heat up, both at the memories of the last few hours as well as the idea that she’s been caught out lost in her mind about the future. “Where’s your head? There’s sugar and chocolate and even healthy stuff so we don’t feel bad but you’re spaced out.”

For all the times Beau’s knack for observation has worked out in Reani’s favor, this is the inevitable downside. You can’t get much past her.

Reani tries not to visibly deflate. She doesn’t want Beau to think this is a bad conversation, that’s she’s been lost in a bad place. That’s not true at all. It’s an uncertain place, a limbo in between now and the future.

Beau puts her arm around Reani regardless, she radiates so much warmth that Reani can’t help but melt into her. This here is the danger. Reani’s not sure one person should make things so easy, she doesn’t know what to do with the depth of how that makes her feel.

Life’s given Reani the edge of a cliff, she’s staring off into dark uncertainty but finds that with Beau by her side she doesn’t feel so afraid to fall.

“I was thinking about how I signed a lease on an apartment in Zadash and how I need to book movers and buy boxes and start packing up the apartment,” Reani rambles. “And a cleaning service so I get my security deposit back.”

Reani doesn’t chance a look at Beau’s face. She’s afraid to find understanding and equally afraid to find nothing.

She continues. “I need to get dinner with Umi before he leaves next week and I don’t see him again for who knows how long.”

Beau’s hand pulses on her shoulder once, lightly scratching up and down. Reani feels her muscles relax. “Breathe.” Up and down. Up and down. “I need you to breathe.”

Reani’s not sure how she’s supposed to do that when Beau’s right there being Beau in all of the ways she can’t possibly know drives Reani crazy.

“Summer’s almost over.” Reani adds, somehow willing Beau to read her mind.

“I know.” Beau’s voice feels like a coiled up snake, as potentially placid as ready to strike at a moments notice.

A beat.

“Believe me,” Beau starts. Then stops.

Reani waits.

And waits.

“I know,” Beau finally says. Quiet.

There’s never been a greater time to have a tv or something in her room to break this heavy silence. Unfortunately that’s one of the first things she packed up and shoved in the corner. With Beau around, there wasn’t exactly much bedroom binge watching going on. A mistake in hindsight.

“I’m leaving, Beau.”

“I know.”

Frustration hits Reani like a ton of bricks. “Is there a string back there? If I pull it can you say anything else besides ‘I know’ because I know you know.”

Beau removes her arm. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to want to say something without me wanting you to say something.”

“I’m gonna need a second to process that sentence.”

Reani moves inches away from Beau, jostling the tray on their laps. Taking the chocolate bar with her, damn it. “Take all of the seconds you need.”

Beau never put the milk on the cereal which is probably for the best. At this rate it might disintegrate in the milk before Beau ever takes a bite. Time is funny how it moves so incredibly fast when you want it to stop and drags when you wish for all the world it would push on.

Moments later. “I still don’t know what you want me to say.” Reani goes to open her mouth, yell, do something but Beau marches on. Talks over her with just enough force. “I can’t stop you from leaving. I want you to leave—“

“Gee thanks—“

“—because this is the opportunity of a lifetime for you.” Beau sighs and looks down at her lap. “I want you so much, you don’t even know—“

“Because you never say what you mean—“

“—but all wanting me does is keep you here. Physically, no, but mentally? You’ll always be here and then you can’t move forward—“

“—all I’m asking is to show you care that we’re done when I leave.”

“Stop.” Beau says firmly, pinning Reani with a look that snaps her mouth shut at once. “I don’t care if you’re mad at me right now for some reason or you think I didn’t react how you wanted me to but don’t you ever accuse me of not caring.” Beau’s voice breaks towards the end. She won’t break eye contact, Reani feels her heart racing out of her chest. “Do you remember that day at the beach? When I almost killed Molly?”

Reani nods.

“Do you remember why?”

Reani wracks her brain. She’d had drinks that day, so many drinks. So many drinks they’d decided to play a juvenile game of truth or dare. “Sort of.”

“Sort of,” Beau scoffs under her breath. “I almost killed that man for ‘sort of’.”

“There was a lot of tequila,” Reani mumbles in her defense.

Beau takes the tray off of their legs and puts it on the nightstand next to her. She turns her body so she’s cross legged facing Reani. “Story time. Do you remember when we first met?”

“How could I forget? I remember bumping into you and the whole crew. Jester immediately dragging me into a conversation about baked goods even though I really needed to get to class. It might be the weirdest origin story of all of my friendships.”

“You were so pretty and you had so much energy, I didn’t know what to do with myself.” Beau laughs, it’s self deprecating and quiet. “Yasha wasn’t there and you mentioned the Aasimar tribe and I asked if you knew Yasha.” Beau rolls her eyes. “Like all Aasimar’s know each other. I was trying to connect with you somehow but, you know, I’m not so good at that.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” Reani reaches out, puts her hand on Beau’s knee.

“It was that bad.” Beau puts her hand on top of Reani’s, it feels like middle ground. “It was an instant crush. And then the next time you came by it was with Fen and the rest is history. But tell that to my brain.”

“What does this have to do with the beach?”

“I didn’t pine, let’s not get it twisted. Fen gave some pretty heavy ‘fuck off forever, Beau’ vibes towards me and I wasn’t going to toe on that line. But I wanted. And lust is easy for me, so I got. Hooked up with someone who looked kind of like you because, stupid me, I thought that would be enough to flush you from my system.”

“Like I’m the flu. Cute.” Reani fights the grin threatening to pull up the corners of her lips. This is not endearing and yet it’s like looking in a mirror and seeing a reflection.

“I said your name. Confided in Molly. Years later you’re single, we’re all drunk at the beach, and I almost killed Molly for ratting me out.” Beau strokes her fingers over Reani’s. Little tics of affection, in a lot of ways, are analogous to Beau herself. Little moments, big impact. “It was his fucked up Molly way of trying to play god, tempt the fates, and push us together. I wanted to push him in the ocean.”

Reani thinks she understands what Beau is saying even if Beau’s drawing pinwheel circles around what she’s trying to say. With Beau that means it must be really important.

“Where does this leave us?” Reani is small but she doesn’t usually feel it. She hasn’t had near enough time of Beau all to herself and now it feels like they’re headed towards the end of the road.

“Can’t we have a little bit more time in the moment?” Beau doesn’t often plead but this is as close as it gets.

“It feels like there’s an axe hanging over our heads and you keep hitting the snooze button and saying ‘five more minutes’.”

“Five more minutes?” Beau asks hopefully.

Reani feels like Beau inched them up to the top of a roller coaster and slammed on the parking brake right before the crested over the edge. But this thing between them weighs tons and there’s only so long they can avoid the drop. Her stomach feels like it’s bottoming out in anticipation of something that will wait, wait, wait then hit them like a truck at full speed.

She nudges open Beau’s legs and nestles in between them. She lets Beau hold her.

Just five more minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a little bit left in this monster. I want to thank everyone for being so awesome and supportive on this ride. It's been awesome to break out the long fic skills once again and write some of my favorite characters.


	14. Chapter 14

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

***

The last week comes sooner than either of them are prepared for. All of her things are in boxes and they still haven’t talked about it. Five more minutes turned into weeks filled with pretending like it wasn’t happening at all. Another trip up to lake to get away from it all. But there’s only so much running two people can do with the passage of time creeping up.

One day they’re kissing next to a fire in the middle of the woods, the world gone for that moment. Time flies and next thing they know, it has to be over.

Beau tries not to withdraw but Reani can feel her getting further and further away the closer the end gets. It makes sense, it’s easier to break a heart in segments than all at once.

Maybe if one of them was strong enough to establish boundaries they could have prevented this aching feeling of impending loss. But then they would have prevented all of the beautiful moments they shared over the summer.

Reani’s not sure what would be worse but isn’t that the old adage? Is it better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? In her heart she knows she wouldn’t trade a single second of having had Beau for a lack of pain. The pain is worth the happiness she’s felt.

That, at least, she can take with her to Zadash.

Even if she can’t take anything else.

***

Beau shows up the night before the mover’s are scheduled to come and pack up her life into the back of an oversized truck. Instead of her small sedan, she’s borrowed Fjord’s pick up truck and filled the cab with a cooler full of food, blankets, and pillows.

“Come with me,” she says as she leads Reani to the truck. Reani doesn’t ask where, she trusts Beau implicitly.

Beau drives and Reani fiddles with the radio. Every song feels like it’s not the right one, or too close to being the right one that Reani can’t bear to listen to it. If Beau’s annoyed with her constantly changing the song on the radio she doesn’t show it. She doesn’t show any sign of anything other than the anxiety belied by the constant beat she taps out on the steering wheel.

As they drive the sun starts to go down, painting the skies in hues of red and yellow and pink. As the stars start to crest over the horizon Reani starts to recognize where Beau’s taking her. After another ten minutes or so, Reani’s suspicions are confirmed.

Beau eases the truck off the highway and into one of the spaces in the lookout point where Reani had taken Beau months before.

Beau gets out of the car and walks around the back to let down the front of the cab. Reani sits ramrod straight in her seat, only seeing what Beau’s doing through what she can discern through the rear view window. She sees the blanket flapping up into her vision and then fall out of it, Beau looks like she’s spreading it out.

It feels too much like something is coming full circle. Like some circuit is completing itself, the overwhelming sense of things coming to a close feels like too much to bear. Maybe if Reani doesn’t move she doesn’t have to acknowledge what Beau is doing. Maybe if she never gets out of the car, she never has to acknowledge that night must have meant something to Beau as well. That they could have had so much more time than they got.

Without realizing it, Reani zones so far off into her own thoughts that she doesn’t recognize Beau tapping on her window. Not at first. But all at once, the world flashes back into focus. Beau’s giving her a strange look but opens the door for her anyway.

Wordlessly she holds her hand out to Reani who accepts without trying to think too hard about any one thing.

“—don’t think you have to eat everything but I didn’t know what you would want. I know you’ve been eating takeout because you had to clean out your fridge so I got some fresh stuff. But I also didn’t want you to leave without getting all of your favorite things.” Beau pauses to take a breath. “Anyway, don’t freak out. It’s a lot of food.”

Reani turns the corner to see that Beau’s not exaggerating, it’s a veritable smorgasbord of food. But Reani’s eyes hone in on the center of the hoard of food to the cupcakes, placed carefully in the middle. Green matcha tea with cream cheese icing for Reani and lemon verbena for Beau. She dabs carefully at her watering eyes, trying not to ruin her makeup. She doesn’t want Beau to remember her with smears of mascara running down her cheeks.

“It’s perfect,” Reani says softly. If she spoke any louder, said anything else she’d say what she was feeling and that’s not conducive to what she knows they have to do.

Beau looks away shyly. It’s not a word she would ever use for Beau who is often so bold and confident, giving off the incorrect impression that she’s got all of her shit together. Only Reani and a select few know that’s not anything close to Beau. But even being so close, it’s hard to remember that Beau isn’t all cocky bravado. That she’s made up of as many soft squishy parts as anyone else, maybe more than the average person. Hence why she feels the fierce need to prove so hard to everyone that she doesn’t need anyone.

Reani needs her.

She’s having a little trouble letting go.

Beau climbs into the back of the truck, then turns around and helps Reani up. She sits in front of the food and pulls Reani underneath her arm to cuddle her close. There’s a blanket next to Beau that she wraps around both of their waists, tying the two of them together.

For a while all they do is eat, trading soft words back and forth but nothing of any note or substance. The food is good even if Reani is tempted to eat every last bit of it, to consume every bit of her feelings.

Finally, Beau taps out and Reani does the same after one cupcake too many.

She leans her head on Beau’s shoulder. Beau pulls the blanket up around their bodies as well as the temperature drops lower and lower as the heat of the day drifts further and further away. As the heat drifts away, the sky clears and makes the stars more prominent in the sky.

Just like that night Beau spends the next hour pointing out constellations and telling their stories. Reani soaks it all in just like she did the first night. Feeling once again the incredible privilege of being able to see Beau as she is. Without barriers, without bravado. Just Beau.

There is one difference.

As Beau starts to wind down, all Reani can think about is that night. How Beau told her about her parents, shared her heart with Reani. How all Reani wanted to do is kiss her. Tonight is different, Reani doesn’t have to hold back. Somewhere in the middle of a story about Eurydice and a lyre, Reani leans over to kiss Beau.

Beau stops mid-sentence, sinking fully into the kiss.

Reani doesn’t know how long they kiss but she feels breathless when they finally pull away. That doesn’t give her any clues, that’s how she always feels when she kisses Beau.

“Do you want to hear a secret?” Beau rasps.

Reani nods, still catching her breath.

“I almost kissed you that night.”

Reani leans her forehead against Beau’s. She flashes back to that night, thinks about Beau looking down at her lips before turning away. “I thought you said you were going to tell me a secret.”

Beau smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I should’ve.”

“You took your sweet time.”

“Yeah.” Beau smiles but it doesn’t come close to reaching her eyes.

Beau takes Reani’s hand from underneath the blanket pulling it up to her lips. Beau mumbles something under her breath, drowned out by the distant sound of cars speeding up and down the highway.

“Do you want to share with the class?” Reani teases without any of the humor. Suddenly the air around them feels artificially static. The heaviness of the night seemingly catching up with them all at once.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Beau…” Reani looks her straight in the eyes, begging her to say what she’s holding back. “Please.”

“I fucked up,” Beau says. Any number of horrible scenarios run through Reani’s head before she looks in Beau’s eyes and sees this isn’t any of those. It’s somehow so much worse, at least what Beau would consider to be worse. That scares Reani more than somebody else.

“How?” She asks anyway, somehow already feeling the anvil poised over their heads.

Beau sighs. “I’m in love with you. I don’t think I can just stop.”

Reani feels ice water flow through her veins. Her emotions feel like they’ve been in a head on collision, her mind races to catch up to what Beau has said. “What are you saying?”

She feels like a small child who needs to be walked through a very basic concept. So many emotions flood through her at once. Elation, excitement, dread, anger. She settles on anger at once because how can Beau do this to her? She knows they can’t. It won’t work. There’s no way it can work. It can’t work. Right?

“I want to make this work,” Beau says firmly, pulling away like she’s felt the shifting of Reani’s mood. More resolute. “I love you.”

“You can’t.” Reani fires back, she can feel the goose flesh rising on her arms. Panic setting in over everything else. Beau can’t love her. Beau loving her is somehow scarier than Beau being in this for the sex the entire time. Somehow she can deal with that more than the idea of having a future. She’s spent so much of this summer so sure that there’s an expiration date to what she feels. That she can turn it off like a switch because she has to go. How can she leave but keep a part of her heart here?

That can’t work.

“You can’t.” Reani pulls away, throwing the blanket off of her. Pushing her body away from Beau’s. “No. You don’t get to do this. We had a whole summer to figure this out and you kept putting it off and putting it off. I leave tomorrow, Beau, you don’t get to spring this on me.”

Beau doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t even look particularly wounded like somehow this is the response she was expecting from Reani and she’s simply waiting for the anger and the panic to burn off into something else.

She hates that Beau is right. The panic can’t last forever and underneath the panic she feels something else, warmer and brighter and more sustainable. Something like happiness and acceptance, something deep inside of her that wants to press right up against Beau. Tell her that she loves her too and she’s been waiting for her to say that they can work this out. That she doesn’t want to go anywhere that Beau can’t follow.

She hops out of the back of the truck instead. Looking at Beau’s face, so sure of herself, makes it hard for her to think rationally. It can’t work, it just can’t. Reani’s always going to be looking over her proverbial shoulder wondering if Beau’s doing something shady. And won’t Beau be thinking the same thing? They can be friends over a long distance but can they sustain this all consuming thing across that same distance or would they be destined to burn out messy and ugly.

Does she owe it to herself to let it play out instead of cutting these feelings off at the knees?

Beau follows her out of the back, slamming the back of the truck closed. “I’ll take you home if you want, you don’t have to say anything. I needed you to know before you went that I was an option.”

Reani turns on her heel and gets up into Beau’s personal space. “Stop being so calm and rational about all of this! I’m freaking out, I need you to be freaking out too.”

Beau furrows her brow, it’s too cute. It makes Reani feel like she’s panicking again. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“This doesn’t make any sense!”

Beau tilts her head, gives her a look that seems too much like love. “Okay.”

“Take me home!” Reani opens the door and gets in the passenger seat. Fumbling with her seatbelt and crossing her arms once it clicks into place.

Beau closes the door behind her and calmly walks to the drivers side. She turns the radio on to an indie station and lets it play quietly on the drive back to Reani’s.

Reani sits in the passenger seat staring out the window the entire way home. She feels the fight or flight instinct start to leave her body around halfway and on the second half of the journey that other scarier feeling starts to take over. That warm fuzzy feeling that makes her feel like they could do this. That Beau could love her and that Reani could love Beau and they could make the distance work and figure it out.

By the time Reani knows the right decision in her heart, Beau’s idling the truck in front of Reani’s. Looking at her with a purposefully blank expression.

Reani feels the tears well up in her eyes. Fuck it, she’ll be a raccoon if she has to be. Beau loves her and wants to be with her. She attempts to surge across the seats to kiss Beau only to be nearly decapitated by the lock on the seatbelt. “Fuck!” She rubs gingerly at her neck and shoulders, that’s going to bruise. She rushes to unbuckle the seatbelt and tries again. She scrambles across the middle console, honking the horn as she awkwardly tries to settle on Beau’s lap. Beau tries to adjust the seat back with one hand as she rushes to turn the car off with another.

Reani doesn’t care about the obstacles, neither the current slightly humorous ones nor the real big life ones looming around the corner. She wants this so badly she’s willing to risk the pain for the ultimate reward. Love is its own reward and worth any of the pain.

Beau ends up pushing the seat back as far as it goes and reclining back as far as she can. Reani kisses her with the fervor of months of pent up emotions. Everything held back behind the veil of ending things before they got too far, knowing all too well they were too far from the start.

“I love you too,” Reani says finally detaching her lips from Beau’s. “Like an embarrassing amount, actually.”

“I know.”

Reani rolls her eyes. “Okay Han Solo.”

Beau smirks. “I am pretty badass, aren’t I?”

“Don’t make me change my mind. I want to try this but we actually have to talk about how it’s going to work this time. Promise me we’ll talk about it?” Reani curls up in Beau’s lap.

“I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Reani holds out her pinky. Beau shakes her head.

“Is it too early to reconsider?” Reani jabs her in the side with her elbow. “Ow, fuck! Your elbows are like knives.”

“I said, pinky promise?” Reani links up her pinky with Beau’s.

Beau brings them to her lips and kisses them. “You drive a hard bargain.” She pulls Reani closer to her, wrapping her arms around her. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is! The end has finally come and I have fulfilled my promise! As far as any of us knows, they ride off into the sunset, make it work, and live happily ever after. (And probably Fjord figures out what went down in his truck and sells it to Beau for half the value.) It's what those two deserve! Thank you to everyone who followed along and left kudos, or comments, or never did either but enjoyed themselves all the same. This made me very happy to write during a time in this country where it's very hard to feel happy about anything. Worth the price of admission. Thank you again!

**Author's Note:**

> A long time ago I made a promise to write a story where Reani and Beau end up together. This is that story. But it's me so strap in for the ride.


End file.
